In which is what I wish I could tell my 17 year old self

[mood| full]
[music| 1234 - Plain White T's]

Was clearing out my drawer that day, and found my old diaries. Took them out, reread them, and had a good laugh at myself growing up. But what shocked me the most was reading the diary I kept when I was 17. It was like something a totally different person had written. I was torn between wanting to give my 17 year old self a hug and wanting to yell at her for being such a self absorbed twit. And I just wished that at 17, I knew some of the things which I knew today.

It made me wonder if knowing all this would make me a better person now if I knew, but sometimes it's the learning process to help us see how far we've come. So, I sat down and wrote this instead:

17 things that I wish I could tell my 17 year old self

1. One day your acne will go away, your hair will be less oily, and you'll loose all that weight. You will still have those 'unpretty' days, but in time, you will be able to look in the mirror and learn to love the girl looking back at you.

2. The whole world isn't always against you. It's just in your head most of the time. Stop thinking that everyone's antagonizing you. And stop being such a diva.
   

3. If you want more friends, you've first got to take the first step and approach people. And smile. People like being approached. Loose all your stupid pride and go out there and talk to people first. Be a friend to them instead of expecting them to be friends with you.
   

4. Stop judging people by the way they look and act. Some of your closest friends today are the people you never be friends with back in high school. Grow up already.

5. Just get over yourself already.

6. It doesn't matter that you can't do add maths, maths or physics. You won't be needing any of that crap when you start working.

7. You are not as slow and stupid as your add maths teacher told you. One day, you're gonna grow up and be one of the top students in the country. Believe it.

8. The old saying of “there are many fish in the sea” holds true. Don't hang on to what is second (or third. Or fourth. Or fifth) best. You're worth a whole lot more than he ever could be.

9. There are some dreams which you are holding on to which will hold you back. Let them go, there's something much better in store for you....

10. ....but with that being said, don't give up on your dreams or call them stupid. You will one day travel around the world and learn so many new things, you will achieve so many things you wanted to do.
    

11. You'll never loose your love for writing. Don't be so dismissive about it, no matter how childish or crappy your work sometimes seems. Someday you'll miss writing so much it'll be this gnawing hurt deep in you.
    

12. Stop thinking “I can't do it.” You can and you will one day do the impossible and achieve things you can't even dream of. You're not as obscure as you think you are.

13. There are so many people who care for you. So. Damn. Much.

14. It is possible for you to love more than 1 person at a time. Your heart will learn to expand and grow large enough to fit all of them in.

15. Be nicer to your sister. She's going to be your best friend one day.

16. God's steadfastness will amaze you continually, despite all the times when you think He's given up on you. He hasn't.

17. Stop wallowing in self pity. Your life at 23 will be FABULOUS.

It was tough thinking and writing about this, as its personal, and I feel that I've really changed so much to the point I think my younger self won't recognize me today. So, my challenge to you. If you could, what would you want to tell your younger self, if you could?

In which I would if I could

[mood wistful]
[music Untitled 4 - Sigur Ros]

If I could, I would:

• Write a book
• Learn to dance
• Watch the aurora borealis flicker across the sky
• Stay up all night just to look at the stars
• Take up photography
• Climb a mountain
• Get a pet
• Throw a garden party
• Change someone’s life for the better
• Bagpack across the world
• Learn to drive properly
• Sing in the rain
• Learn to play the guitar
• Perform in a musical
• Read poetry to someone in the park
• Help a cause
• Go running
• Attend a masquerade ball
• Commit to something/someone

Are they still within reach? Some days it seems that dreams are just stardust and moonrock and further away that they've ever been.

And some days, I wish I was the girl I was before. What happened to her? Where did all her dreams go? What changed? Did she change or did the dream change.

Or is she just having Peter Pan syndrome?

In which is plot twists and a thank you

[mood loved]
[music Valkyrie Missile – Angels & Airwaves]

I cannot make speeches to save my life.

So I won’t. I’ll tell you a story instead.

Once upon a time, there was a young girl, who had always wanted to write down the stories and the words that ran through her head. When everyone wrote sensible things like ‘doctor’, ‘engineer’ or ‘businessman’ in the ambition column in school forms she would scribble ‘author’, ‘writer’ or ‘journalist’. At 15 she told all her friends who would listen that she was going to take a communications course in university, and become a journalist one day.

“One day,” she told them whilst waving her arms around expansively. “I’ll go to places we’ve only dreamt of going and I’m going to tell the stories of people who live there, and I’m going to write a book all about it.”

Most people would just humor her by agreeing. But there was never any doubt about what she would be one day.

She was so utterly sure at 15 this was the way her story would end. The writer girl back in high school would go to university in Australia to get her degree, come back home to work as a journalist whilst writing her book. She would perhaps be a mediocre writer, in a country which read less than 2 books a year, but nevertheless, she would be writing still, and that was all that mattered. It was the perfect story, with no loose threads in sight, perfectly spun and neat.

However, this young writer girl never kept the plot twists in mind. As all storytellers know, the story often writes itself.

She never thought that there was a whole world out there with so much more to learn and read and write about. She never thought that she would enjoy learning about demands and supplies and statistics and about human rights and the supremacy of the constitution. She’d never expected them to fascinate her enough to want to lean more about philosophies of law and how these written frameworks reach and govern the masses of society.

She had also not expected to suddenly receive a letter to study in England instead of Australia. But she said yes.

The plot twisted. The learning never stopped, instead it intensified, with new words, like equitability and fiduciaries and incorporations and treaties alongside with the precise definition of reasonableness and amongst other new and alien concepts alongside with hours and cramming, essays and tutorials. She lost track of the cups of coffee, the tears, the sleepless nights where laws and different types of words ran through her head and the many, many times she just wanted to walk away because it was just too difficult, and she felt that didn’t have what it takes to make it.

However, she somehow stuck to it, because her family and friends told her that she did have what it took and that she could do it. What she learnt crept insidiously into her, she started to look at things differently, realizing that there was a whole lot hurt in the world which needed helping and that the law is be a two edged sword, and it can be a total bitch sometimes, but the learning process never stopped and the girl found that she loved it because of that. And she didn’t want the learning to stop. For now.

And that day, as she stood in the courtroom and as she looked at the faces of her family and friends who were sitting in the public gallery, she realized that she had never been more thankful for anything in her life. Because the story would not have happened without the people in her life, who has seen her through the best and worst times. Or it would not have been as exciting without them. Most of all, the writer girl is grateful to the Divine Storyteller who is still keeping her hanging on every word, and revealing the plot it to her bit by bit each day.

Of course, the story doesn’t end there. The writer girl has grown older now, and though she kept those dreams of being a writer in a secret chest and hid it in a secret part of herself, she knows that there may be a time where she can bring that chest out again. But for now, she wants to know: does she live happily ever after?

To that, I cast her a grin and tell her: “To be continued.”

______________________________________________________________

This is where the academy award part of the speech is. Almost.

To God for being the Divine Storyteller, and revealing a piece of his plan for my life bit by bit.

I wouldn’t be here without my family, so I want to thank my Father, for supporting me financially throughout my studies, my mother who made all those sacrifices, supported all the tough decisions I had to make and kept encouraging me continually at my worst times. And my sister for just being there and being her lovely annoying self to keep me sane and not so serious.

To my grandparents, who have so much belief in me no matter what I did. That belief is enough to sustain me though sometimes.

To my church members, especially those in the AHF, for their continual support, prayers and concern for my studies and my work. They have always been supportive of me and would always remember to pray for me, during my exams. I wanted to thank Uncle Hock Swee personally, for attending my long call, and be prepared to move my call or robe me, should my mover or master not arrived.

To all my friends who sent me the congratulatory texts, facebook messages and phonecalls, you guys are lovely, thank you for all your well wishes.

Finally to the friends who made it on that jammed Friday afternoon! Xian Ai, Cindy, Thomas, Mark and Lordson! You guys are amazing. So, so, so amazing. Thank you for taking time out to come, although all of you were so busy, and for surprisingly showing up with lovely flowers. Thank you for being my friends!

In which I want to be me

[mood hopeful]
[music Ruby - Kaiser Chiefs]

Was just listening to KT Tunstall's "Suddenly I See" and for the first time, I actually listened to the lyrics properly, and I was enchanted.

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I just want to be this girl who KT sings about, the one who fills up spaces and makes you see in color, and who is so confident in her own skin and inspires people around her. I want to be that tower of strength and maturity, and the girl who people wants to be around because of her personality and wisdom.

I want to be the kind of girl who stays up to 3am at night to look at the stars at any opportunity she has and to just laugh and be free, and not care what people think. I want to walk the streets of Moscow, and London and Bohemia and Anatolia and Manchu Picchu. I want to laugh, and love and just live.

I want....

In which is a friendship spanning a decade.

[mood| nostalgic]
[music| Low - Coldplay]



The first time we met was in the classroom of 1 Nemesu in SMK Damansara Jaya in 1999. We've never been classmates again after that, but somehow, this crazy friendship managed to last throughout the years of High School. We then moved on to different colleges, different unis, and ended up studying in different continents altogether!

And so now, here we are, 10 years later, both much older, just as crazy, and still living on different continents (and juggling different timezones!). We've changed. We've got different interests. We're still the greatest friends.

So here's to us, and the next 10 years of friendship.

In which is Independance Day

[mood| rushed]
[music| The Way We Get By - Spoon]


And so once more, another year has passed and Merdeka has swung around. TV's are ablaze with patriotic messages and advertisements, all with the catchy 1Malaysia slogan. Ministers use it in all their speeches, radios play patriotic songs and teachers are instructed to teach it to the young Minds of Malaysia.

Today, displayed across the headlines of The Star proclaimed "PM: Tear down the walls" which was a cry from the Prime Minister on Malaysians to “repair the bridges and tear down the divisive walls” that exist among the races. Which in essence, encapsulates, 1Malaysia in a bottle.

But honestly, do we need repeated messages by the media telling people of different races to respect each other?

Instead shouldn't the citizens of Malaysia should focus on other aspects.

Like the promises of the minister during elections saying that laws allowing preventive detention without trial will be reviewed, and yet till today, we have heard no news about it.

Or how billions of ringgit that has been spent to 'develop' the Port Klang Free Zone(PKFZ) was overlooked by an anti corruption commission but unearthed by a private accounting company.

And how the abovesaid projects in PKFZ seem to be connected to some high ranking politicians, but there is yet to be any actions taken against them?

Or perhaps, the death of a witness in the MACC Headquarters after a night of questioning.

Let's not forget how civilians and their lawyers are arrested by the police for merely expressing their opinions.

And the one I cannot forget: the one where I witnessed blatant corruption in the police force in being reluctant to investigate a potential human traffiking ring going on in a sleepy small town?

Or the the plight of the migrant worker community who are suffering in the country who are exploited to do back breaking work for menial pay?

And how about the Myanmar refugees being detained in detention centers, where their refugee status is not recognized in Malaysia.

There is a whole host of things which are going wrong in this country. We need more good governance than ever, one who is sincere in stomping out all these problems that we are facing in the country. We need people who are not apathetic about what is going on, and are not afraid to speak out when these wrongs are committed. We need to stand united as 1Malaysia against all the corruption and evil going on, committed by those who have long arms and deep pockets.

This is how I personally feel about it. I will not run and migrate to a country where there are 'better opportunities' or other places where the lure of wealth or a better life seems to beckon. Because I believe with all my heart, this is where I was born, and this is where I will stay until I die, no matter how bad things get. Because this is what being Malaysian is all about, sticking on in your country and making a difference.

We've stood independent for 52 years from foreign rule. Don't let this beautiful country be colonized and ruled by corruption and unjust rulers.

Happy 52nd Independence Day Malaysians. Stand tall. Go out there and make a difference in this land.

In which time will/does heal all wounds

[mood| apathetic]
[music| Run - Snow Patrol]

One day......

...my soft little heart
with it's hairline cracks and
knothole ridden tissue
will
twist, and knit and mend
and
scab over to
reconstruct.
And reveal
pomegranate pink tender
flesh which will turn to
white scars and will grow
old to fade away to
nothing more than a....

...whisper.

In which I'm gonna miss it here.

[mood| mischievous]
[music| Cycling Trivialities - Jose Gonzalez]

Am leaving the Hallowed Halls of Long Hours Are Guaranteed for a different place in a couple of months.

In a way, I think I'll miss it a whole lot more than I'd think.

After all, how many law firms will get you do do things like this?

The Dwarf Incident, which will NEVER BE MENTIONED AGAIN!!!!

In which should be the right working attitude

[mood| touched]
[music| Dear Catastrophe Waitress - Belle & Sebastian]

²²Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. ²³Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.

Colossians 3:22-23

I've been having the wrong attitude lately about my work. It has gotten so bad, it's to the point where I feel that I'm on the verge of a burnout, and I just want to give it all up and pack it in, and just walk away. I've been working, just for the sake of working, just to get everything done and to move on to the next thing to be finished. Which is wrong. I've stopped enjoying what I do, it's become something mechanical, something that I think of as a chore. I've lost the feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment I got when I first started.

But then, I just realized, that I've been doing it all wrong so far. I keep forgetting that I am not just working for my boss, or for my seniors, or the company. I am doing it for God. Why am I complaining about God's work? That obviously was not right.

I took a step back and analyzed. Am I doing my work with all my heart? Who am I trying to please? I was not happy with the answers I thought of.

So this is me, taking a step back, and rethinking again, what is my objective in this firm? What am I doing here? What is my purpose here? Who am I really working for? Everything just clicked into my head at 8am this morning.

I'm doing it for Him.

And I'm going to do the best job ever for my Lord.

In which change is a trendy thing to talk about, but...

[mood| cynical]
[music| How am I to be - The Watson Twins]


We've all been talking about change lately. We were all so excited, thinking that we're living on the cusp of something new, something promising and exciting, that we're living in times where the winds are changing, and we're all just waiting, holding our breath, and hoping for better things, better times.

We've all been so excited about change: from the new Obama administration, to the 8th March Political Tsunami in Malaysia, to the Iranian elections.

(Can we make a change?)
(Yes we can!)

Close to home, I love the idea, the concept of 1Malaysia. It's a great slogan, it's catchy, and it's new, and it smells of change, it makes us believe in better things that are to come. It speaks volumes of a land of true equality, of democracy, of a new and changed Malaysia.

But current events makes it harder and harder for me to believe in 1Malaysia. We don't see changes, we don't see new things, we just see old policies, under new names, in new disguises. No matter how much rebranding has taken place, there has been no change. Things here are still the same.

I'm just tired of opening the newspapers and reading of political fights, of murders, of internal and external party bickering, of falsely optimistic reports of how things are going to get better, and how well we're doing.

You really want change? Tell the truth then, for a start. We don't need royal inquiries or commissioners against corruption, or incessant politicking. What Malaysia needs now is the truth.

Now, that will truly be a change.

In which are things which I wish I could say

[mood| contemplative]
[music| Our Last Days as Children - Explosions in the Sky]




Has anyone ever had days when they felt like this? Tell me all about it.

In which I want a pure heart

[mood| annoyed]
[music| Whispering - Solo Piano Radio Station]

On an average day, my desk looks like this.


Still learning on the desk-management skills! Getting there soon!

Was studying this verse during CG last week:

He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend.
Proverbs 22:11

The question which came up was "What is a pure heart?"

Which got me thinking, We decided in the end, that if we have a pure heart, the rest of the other things will flow from there: the gracious speech, and many friends, because we become the person other people want to be around.

But the thing is, what is a pure heart? It doesn't mean that you're naive or innocent, but a heart which is big enough to show Jesus's love to all people. I honestly believe that all humans don't have pure hearts. It's human nature, the way we are. We concluded that purification of our hearts is not an instant process, it's something that requires constant refinement, and a close walk with Jesus.

I want a heart like that, a pure one. But there are times when I don't feel so pure hearted. There are times when I get so annoyed, so sarcastic, so fake, it's a wonder why my friends are still friends with me. At times, I just feel so cynical and jaded, I just want to give things up and walk away. I don't feel like loving anyone. Gracious speech does not become me during those times.

Have been praying that my heart will be refined, slowly, but surely. Also have been praying for God to grant me wisdom, when to raise my barriers, and when to lower them. I want a heart big enough for God's love to shine through to other people. I don't want to continue being the way I am. The thing is, am I sensitive enough to listen to God's voice?

In which are songs for a new world

[mood| hopeful]
[music| Opening - Songs for a New World ]

It's about one moment
That moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment
The things that you're sure of slip from your hand
And you've got one second
To try to be clear, to try to stand tall
But nothing's the same
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
In some completely different land
And you thought you knew
But you didn't have a clue
That the surface sometimes cracks
To reveal the tracks
To a new world

In which I long to stay the same to me

[mood| apathetic]

Is it possible to be a lawyer, and at the same time be honest, hold fast to your principles, hold on to your ideals and be generally a good person, and to not 'loose your soul' (as people say) in the process? Because there are times when I feel so young and green in comparison to my older, wiser and more cynical peers.

(In a way I am.)

In which I cannot sleep, and I talk about police corruption.

[mood| awake]
[music| Desolation Row - My Chemical Romance]


Got home at 9.30 last night, had dinner, showered, and promptly went to bed. Only to be plagued with fitful dreams that I was supposed to be revising a legal opinion someone called Renuka wanted me to send back by today, and for some reason, I could not scroll down, and kept reading the same line over and over again. Something about company directorships. And it was due tomorrow. Bolted up at 3am, thinking of excuses to hand in my work later.

Nope, not overworked. Not even a little bit. Not at all.

I've wanted to talk about corruption in Malaysia for some time already. Everyday the newspaper, the alternative media, the people talk about corruption. I've heard accounts of it from other people, it seemed that corruption happened only by hearsay, and to other people. I never thought that I would experience it firsthand. But I did, a week ago, and somehow, the anger and disappointment does not fade.

I wish I could rant and rave about it, but there are some things which are bound by confidentiality, but what I can say is this: the police are supposed to protect the people. But what they do is that they only protect the people who can afford to pay. Those who cannot are victimized instead.

This is not a situation where there are a few bad apples spoiling the barrel, it's a situation, where there is a rot, a decay in the system, and it's eating the fruit inside out. It's an infection festering in a wound. We don't need more policies to improve the system. What we need is to cauterize the wound, to cut out the rotten part of the system.

Perhaps it was too idealistic of me to think that justice will always prevail. But honestly, with the way things are now, it's difficult to see any improvements and changes in this country. The only hope I have right now, is in God's hands, and for His justice to come one day.

After all, the mills of God grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine.

EDIT: Thank you Inspector H for proving me wrong, and that there are good policemen around. Thank you for personally coming to get more information. Thank you for wanting to investigate futher. Thank you for protecting the people!

In which watching too much tv cannot be a good thing...

[mood| scared]
[music| Somebody's World - Rie Fu]


Doing a Criminal Minds season 4 marathon when I'm home alone for the weekend?
NOT A GOOD IDEA

It seems that all the crimes are committed in the house of the victims when she's home alone. It usually involves lots of blood due to blunt force trauma and the team killing the unsub.

NOT A GOOD IDEA AT ALL!!!

EDIT (2055): My neighbor is doing a mega karaoke session, bawling top hits for all the street to hear. It adds on to the creepy factor....

In which I will be so much more

[mood| hopeful]
[music| Glasgow Love Theme - Craig Armstrong]


Found this on LJSecret.


I believe it will happen for me. Someday soon.

In which features a new type of food!

[mood| hot]
[music| New Divide - Linkin Park]

This needs to be blogged about, because it is that awesome.

On the way to Gopeng last weekend, we stopped for lunch in a small town in Perak before heading to the camp site. Special thanks to Eng Chin and his family for recommending this to us!

Ladies and Gents, let me introduce the Famous 'Roti Ayam' (Chicken Bread?) from Jia Restaurant in Kampar.


It starts out looking like a normal loaf of bread. A little on the large side, you wonder why do they need to serve it on a platter. After that, you have to cut the bread open with a spoon. Like this:







By now, you're wondering what's the big deal. It's just bread on a dish. But wait! There seems to be something inside!





The waiter unwraps the package with a spoon and a paid of tongs...



And pulls the paper wrapping out....



And after unwrapping you find there's a delicious chicken curry inside of the bread!



You eat it by taking the pieces of bread which you've cut and dipping it into the curry. This is usually accompanied with rice, which is great to eat curry with. The curry is actually cooked, and then wrapped up in paper, before the package is wrapped up in dough and left to rise, before it is baked once more. My only complaint is that that there was not enough bread to go around with the curry, but still, you don't find the time to complain when you're stuffing your face with bread and curry. The bread is warm and fresh, whilst the curry is not too spicy, but enough to give it it's 'kick'.

It's like a Christmas present, where there are two presents in one package. Neat or what?

In which I try to be evasive

[mood| lazy]
[music| Between - Vienna Teng]

On Days Like These...

....when the sky is cloudy, after your afternoon cup of coffee, you sit down and face your PC, with your back to the window, and with piles and piles of paperwork scattered all over the place, like some bizarre landscape of hills and steps, colored blue, white, pink..

On days like these, you will find your mind drifting, to something, anything! The streets of Camden. The way the beach smells (of salty wood and mineral rich wind and sea). Or how pretty the sound of a page turning (the neat, sharp slice of sound in an otherwise empty room). On days like this you'd dream about obsidian eyes flecked with gold, about little boy Lotharios and perhaps, even remember the way a stolen kiss tastes, under the smoky skies of Budapest.

You remember people. People who know you skin deep and inside out. Recluses and Adventurers and Lovers and Comrades. Memories of their faces, their voices, their little quirks and fears will flit though your mind, almost like an old movie, but one where the pictures aren't constant, where the pictures change constantly and turn from color to sepia in time. People who you also never knew, but whom you touched hands with under the Hagia Sophia, but their smiles at any form of humanly contact you remember, as it blazes brightly in the recesses of your mind.

(You will try to imagine the People who you've yet to meet. On the streets of Oregon. Along the Sydney Harbor. Amongst the runs of Manchu Picchu. Their faces are blurred, their hair hazes of gold or bronze or jet, their skin caramel or pale.)

Whilst thinking, your fingers scribble phrases, scraps and snippets of poetry or song. You idly start tracing the words of Doone; with a ballpoint; on the palm of your hand: Teach me to hear mermaids singing, Or to keep off envy's stinging, And find, What wind, Serves to advance an honest mind. Your inky fingers do not bother you the way it usually does.

And on days like these, your mind wanders, and you long for things. For the rain to come, and to curl up with a good book on the sofa. Or for True Heroes and noble acts of knights. To hear your name called by a friend or the sun on your face. Or to leave the confines of the familiar and wander the streets of Kuala Lumpur with no aim, and yet to be truly satisfied with the world at your feet, knowing that you could have everything you ever wanted. You dream of the things to come, the events that will take place, and the safety you can find in the ivory tower of your imagination.

And whilst you dream, you are like a conch shell, wrapped in cotton wool and silk fragments. Safe, secured, isolated from the world. Not even the sound of rain beating steadily against your window can break you out of your reverie. You dream safely until reality creeps in.

A/N: You also forget about the latest file which your supervisor has given you and you will also give yourself a mental kicking for allowing yourself to procrastinate on it!! Especially when it's due tomorrow.

A/N2: Props if you can guess which poem of Doone that line is from. =)

A/N3: Mel! Stop Procrastinating!!!!!!!

In which is full of Smouldering

[mood| ditzy]
[music|Mistress Mable - The Fratellis ]

So yesterday, I watched North and South on DVD as a general pick-me-up from the Crap Predominating the Country (which I will write about when I am less angry, and am able to look at the whole thing objectively). And I encountered Richard Armitage, as brooding, byronic John Thornton. With a pronounced Northern accent.

I think I have just been given a whole new meaning to 'Smouldering'

*smoulder*

*smouuulderr*

*smoulderrrrrrrrrr*
Mel: *melts*

Someone tell me why do men not wear cravats anymore? Why? WHY???