Someone Else's Story

In which is too full of dental care

2011-03-30T18:27:00.007+08:00

[mood happy]

[music Dental Care - Owl City]

If you know me in real life, you’d know that I have an irrational fear of dentists.

Probably because I remembered those days back in primary school where we had free dental checkups by nurses who would prod at my juicy gums with the nastiest looking instruments known to mankind. One of my earliest dentist memories happened when I was six, and after having a tooth extracted, I was shocked by the amount of blood spilling out of my mouth after rinsing...

Awfully enough, I woke up one morning with a swelling on the left side mouth. Chewing was out of the question, as to even eat was a painful ordeal.

After a preliminary check-up, the dentist informed me that my lower left wisdom tooth was erupting and it’s eruption was made worse as my top left wisdom tooth had fully erupted, and was currently causing more damage to the halfway erupting lower tooth, by hitting the gum, causing it to swell up due to infection.

Long prognosis short, I had to have at least a wisdom tooth removed in order to eat properly.

I was pretty worried after calling up a few dentists, as it would cost at least RM1,200 for the removal of one tooth. However, the procedure had to be done, and I found myself at the oral care clinic at IMU, with a pounding heart.

After another preliminary check-up and a dental x-ray, I found out that my lower left wisdom tooth was impacted. This meant that my lower left wisdom tooth had failed to emerge fully into its expected position. This failure occurred because there is not enough room in my jaw to accommodate the eruption of tooth, or the tooth's eruption path was obstructed by my gums and jawbone. It looked a bit like this in my mouth:

I was told that my lower tooth had to be removed surgically, because it was pressing onto my molar, and if I didn’t get it removed, this would cause the molar to rot. The top tooth had to also be removed, as it would be hitting my gum whenever I ate, causing more swelling and infection.

(Warning, graphic description which may be quite gross)

Because my lower tooth was blocked, the dentist told me that what he had to do was to slice my gum open and grind away the small part of the jawbone that was blocking the tooth. Once the jawbone was ground away, he would have to break the lower wisdom tooth into 3 pieces, and extract the pieces out individually due to the slanting position of the tooth. Once the pieces were taken out, he would proceed to sew the gum back into place before extract the top tooth. My lower tooth was also quite close to a nerve at the bottom of my mouth, and if the nerve got bruised during the procedure, there would be a chance that I would have lost all sensation in my bottom lip and left cheek for up to 6 months (I had to sign a consent form for this procedure).

At times like these, I am so thankful for anaesthesia. The dentist administered close to 4 shots of local anaesthesia (LA) to my mouth before starting the procedure. I don’t want to think about how much it would hurt without the LA, because the procedure sounded HORRIBLE! I didn’t feel anything, but I heard the grinding of my jawbone and the snap of my tooth as it got broken into pieces. The pressure applied to pull the tooth out of my mouth was incredible! At one point, one of the nurses had to hold my neck and head down, so the dentist could pull the pieces out.

But I really thank God that I got a really good dentist. I was really scared during the procedure, and he could see this, so Dr. Zuber kept my spirits up by making jokes, and telling me that I was a good patient for not trying to bite down on his equipment. Dr. Zuber was also really efficient, as both teeth were extracted within an hour.

In fact, I didn’t know how scared I really was until the end of the surgery, when I realized that I had balled my hands into fists so hard that I had red marks in my palms. I toddled out of surgery with a surgical gauze the size of my thumb stuffed at the back of my mouth. (Luckily I had another doctor on hand to give me a hug after the procedure, but that’s another story.)

Due to the LA, my lips and chin was numb for the next few hours. This made drinking awkward, as I couldn’t drink out of my water bottle. I also couldn’t use a straw in case it caused dry socket. The post op was pretty bad. My mouth bled for more than 48 hours, and the swelling made me look like I had a ping pong ball in the side of my mouth. I spoke with a slight lisp due to the swelling, and there were times at night when I woke up feeling liquid at the side of my face. It was saliva mixed with a lot blood, and every time I rinsed my mouth and spat out, I freaked out at the amount of blood there was.

Eating was also a challenge. I had to go on a liquid/soft diet for 2 weeks because I simply couldn’t chew on anything. Porridge and oats were also really difficult, as the grains got caught in the stitches, and had to be removed. I pretty much existed on a diet of soup, iced milo and yoghurt for a week before moving on to porridge and finally, mushy rice. What made things more bearable was that I had an excuse to have ice cream on a regular basis to help the healing process.

Normal food has never tasted so good after 2 weeks of eating food which you could mash at the top of your mouth.

So this was an ordeal I’ve recovered from physically. The stitches in my teeth were taken out, and I’m eating normally now (I want to eat steak to celebrate this thoroughly).

But seriously, I’m pretty grateful for everything about the removal. My total dental fees came up to RM780, which was much cheaper than the few thousand ringgit I had envisioned to have both teeth removed. The dentists and nurses at IMU were really kind and helpful. My friends and colleagues were searching high and low for places which had soft food for me to eat. I had someone special with me throughout the surgery and who would take me out for ice cream at my every whim (you know who you are). Post op didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, and once the stitches were removed, the wound healed up nicely. I can eat properly now and there was no numbness in any part of my face.

I may have had 2 wisdom teeth removed but I’m probably the luckiest girl in the world.

If you're having your wisdom teeth removed, call me and I'll take you out for ice cream.

In which is tired ramblings.

2011-02-16T04:01:00.001+08:00

[mood tired]

It shouldn’t be this way, really.

I should be feeling like I can do anything. After all, the world is my oyster and that all my forevers begin today. To me, the world should be this great Alice-in-Wonderland door which opens to so many different possibilities, each and every one of them are adventures, new and exciting.

I shouldn’t be feeling tired of life at twenty five. But nevertheless, there is weariness in me, which makes my bones so heavy (and, oh. I am so tired.)

I had promised myself that I would be better. Talk sad, you will make yourself sad. Whine a lot and you will be a complainer. I constantly hate that part of myself where all I speak of, all I think of and all that haunts me is sadness and weariness. It shouldn’t be this way.

Enough of this, really.

In which is morning rambling nonsense.

2011-02-09T09:35:00.003+08:00

[mood quixotic]
[music I Woke Up in a Car - Something Corporate]

I met a girl who kept tattoos for homes that she had loved.
If I were her I'd paint my body until all my skin was gone.

Sometimes it would be nice to think that I am that brave.

Other times I think that bravery is going out there, into the big bad world and dreaming (or to go out there and sell dreams.) And that dream pedlary is as rare as blue stars, and those who sell them are out to con you.

Most of the time, I listen to Andrew McMahon and his band and think how ridiculous my lyricsfetish crush on him is.

Shallow entry is shallow.

In which I do not have a lot to be upset about

2011-02-07T23:17:00.003+08:00

[mood recumbent]
[music When You Were Young (acoustic) - The Killers ]

Tonight, just for tonight, I’m sitting at my messy desk, listening to Brandon Flowers sing about burning down the highway skyline on the back of a hurricane that started turning when he was young. Tonight, I just want to be alone, to listen to the same song on repeat, and just think about things.

This week has been a training in excess for my stomach. Weirdly enough, I have probably eaten more in the past week than I have in the past two months. I am not exaggerating, though I try to convince myself that it is normal at this time of the year (they tell me that a family that eats together, stays together right?) Sometimes I battle it out with the tempting biscuits by way of staring competitions and I end up loosing and reaching for the bak gua instead. And I feel ten times worse later by talking to really fit and health conscious vegetarians on how bad health supplements are on the kidneys.

Anyway.

Life has this way of throwing hardballs at you one after another, at the same time, without time for you to actually pause to catch your breath or recalibrate. I’ve just seen, how frail my daddy is, how old my grandparents are, how truly nasty the corporate world can be, how easy it is to acclimatize for the sake of acceptance, at the end of the day values like virtue or honesty and integrity are not worth a thing where money is involved, how there are stretches where you have so much to do accompanied by crippling migraines and how insanely difficult to maintain court professionalism when you’re shaken and just a hairbreadth away from just loosing it and freaking out.

But the strange thing is, the Oprah breakthrough moment thing is, there is balance in the chaos. There is some sort of equilibrium, when I get thrown off, or when bad things happen, I found that the worse times were also the best times for me. I realized how much and how hard I love, and how much, and how much and how hard and how deep that the people around me love me and thinking how absurdly lucky/blessed I am because of that (I don’t care what you say, I believe in both luck and blessing and what more, there’s no conflict between the two).

An example, when I got hit by another car who could not stop on time, resulting in a cracked bumper and a car boot which won’t open (and will probably need a massive hammering out). But, I suffered nothing worse than a broken nail (broken on the steering wheel, don’t ask.) And when the news got out, the subsequent phonecalls/texts/emails/facebook messages were so concerned, and kind and loving that by the end of the day I was about to cry from the gratefulness that I had so many people who cared.

Basically, it’s hard to get thoroughly depressed when you’re surrounded by so many things to be thankful for. And I am thankful for that. I’m not saying that all the problems and hardballs have gone away, in fact, some are looming up, more frighteningly than before. But what I am trying to say is, at the end of the day. There will always, always, or-your-money-back-guaranteed-type-of-always something for you to be grateful for.

I also can’t help thinking how colourful life is, and how much more lovely it will be, if we were all more unconsciously kind to each other.

In which is my birthday wishlist

2011-01-16T00:58:00.002+08:00

[mood accomplished]
[music Cells - The Servant]

So, Xian Ai and I have been discussing that how we’re both going to be hitting up the quarter century mark soon. We flirted briefly with the idea of throwing a joint birthday party for the both of us (along with the other January babies) but realized that we really don’t have the time to sit down and plan a party properly (working life makes the child in us go into a little dark corner and cry).

So, to maximise time, we promised to make each other wish lists of what we want for our birthdays, and try to get something on the list.

So, here’s mine:

The (mostly) Achievable

• Leverage Seasons 1-3 DVD
• BBC’s Sherlock (2010) Series 1
• Big happy smiles
• Silver ear studs
• A puppy
• Charm bracelet watches (pretty and functional!)

The Extravagant

• A Chloe Paddington handbag
• A Burberry handbag.
• A laptop
• A hard disk drive with more than 500G memory space
• A camera
• An assortment of diamonds and unmarked gold ingots.
• A pony

The Totally Ridiculous

• Neil Gaiman
• David Tennant
• Jim Sturgess
• Lee Pace
• All of the above. Preferably they can all come out of a bottle, upon being rubbed (I meant the bottle being rubbed, not the men).

But honestly? At the end of the day, stuff is still stuff, and I’d like to think that the best gifts are ones which are memorable, rather than expensive. Knock yourself out guys.

In which is the world at large

2011-01-11T23:54:00.003+08:00

[mood melancholy]
[music Lightness - Death Cab for Cutie]

Someone asked me, if I could spend a summer in anywhere in the world, where would it be, and why?

Well, if I could, I would spend a summer in:

Casablanca, while I sip mint tea on the pavement of Rick's Cafe Americain and play backgammon with the locals.
Hotel Palais Coburg in Vienna, and attend the Vienna Ball.
a small room in Istanbul, where I would to the Hagia Sophia during the day, where I would just sit and sketch the drawings.
a little apartment in Dresden, where I would go on an architectural cycling tour.
Sassafras, whilst working in Miss Marples tea room.

There shouldn't be a "why" for this. There is no why to dreaming of places which we want to go, or things we want to do.

In which I dreamt I was back in London

2011-01-11T23:52:00.000+08:00

[mood lethargic]
[music One Headlight - The Wallflowers]

Last night I dreamt that I was back in London.

And there was this innate sense of freedom, as I kept going into different tube stations, promising people that I would meet them at different locations: at Leicester Square, at Regents Street, at Westminster, below the London Eye. I ended up not meeting any of them, and spending the day alone at Tower Hill, eating ice cream and watching the boats along the Thames.

I also remember walking past an apartment block on Liverpool Street, where I had stayed once, and watched fireworks explode across the sky. It was the most beautiful thing I've seen.

And when I woke up, in my bed, I remembered that kind of freedom, and I couldn't help wondering, where did it all go? Was I ever that free to just walk across a city, without a nagging feeling at the back of my head about duties and responsibilities? Why do I feel so shackled?

I cannot shackle myself anymore. I cannot let myself feel this tired all the time. I cannot make myself so unhappy all the time.

I want to be happy once more.

In which is a new year quote and some subsequent optimism.

2011-01-04T19:13:00.003+08:00

[mood geeky]
[music Love is no Big Truth - Kings of Convenience]

First of all, a new year quote from the amazingly talented Neil Gaiman:

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

And for the record, Mr. Gaiman did end up surprising himself (and only like a gajillion other fangirls) by getting married to Amanda Palmer (for those who don't know, she's the talented, quirky, somewhat angry singer of the Dresden Dolls). You can read about the Gaiman/Palmer surprise wedding here.

Despite the fangirl in me envying Amanda Palmer (she got to be Mrs. Gaiman! Something I always dreamed of being since...I read American Gods), I am happy for the both of them. They're so in love, and always doing these weird, quirky things to show the other of their love for each other, despite being in different continents most of the time...it just gives me these warm tingly feelings of hope. For a happy ending or something.

Anyways, I do hope! I hope for magic and dreams and good madness and fine books and kissing someone who thinks I'm wonderful (and who I think is wonderful) and writing and drawing and building and singing and living as I can.

And I hope (like the foolish optimist that I am, but, oh! How I really hope!), that I will be surprised-awed even, at how 2011 turned out to be year I was so richly blessed.

In which is the first post of 2011

2011-01-02T22:16:00.003+08:00

[mood sleepy]
[music MFEO (Part 2: You Can Breathe) - Jack's Mannequin]

HAPPY 2011 EVERYBODY!!

I’m not a person for resolutions. So far each year, I just try to make it a point for me to be a better person than the year before. However, this year, I got more contemplative, thinking of making my life count more than it did in 2010 (I blame the quarter life crisis).

It still doesn’t feel right for me to make resolutions, because I know that I won’t be able to keep all of them. However, I did come up with a list of things I’d like to do in 2011:

In 2011 I’d like to....:

1. ...walk closer with the Lord.

I came across this verse today in church:

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
Psalms 90:12

Which reminded me once again, how fragile life really is. I don’t want to be chasing after things that doesn’t matter. I need to learn how to discern what is important in my life, and focus on that.

2. ...be a better Youth Fellowship teacher.

I have never felt so privileged to be allowed to teach these bunch of kids, who are so bright, and clever, and who have so much potential in them to achieve great things. I see so much of myself reflected in these young people. I had faced the same problems which they faced when I was their age, and I remember at that time, how I wished I had someone to talk to about the difficulties I faced in school about being accepted and fitting in.

I have watched these kids grow for the past 2 years from pre-teens, struggling to fit into a new school, some who were shy and quiet and awkward. I’ve watched them grow up to take on new responsibilities, and new challenges, and I’ve seen some of them learn to make friendships and lead groups. They’ve grown, and on their way to achieve greater things. And I cannot be prouder of watching them grow up.

I am constantly humbled by how much they teach me, in lessons of learning to be more patient and compassionate and understanding. They teach me to love, and to not be such a self centered person. That being said, I know that sometimes I get overwhelmed with the bustle of life, and I can’t be there for them. I’d like to make more of an effort in getting to be a part of their life this year, and to be a better teacher for them.

3. ...manage my time better.

Most people know I have this horrible, horrible habit of procrastinating. It’s horrible, and I need to stop it, as a lot of my time is wasted because I don’t do things which I am supposed to do. I need to overcome this. I hope I can overcome this, slowly.

4. ...persevere in work & be thankful for employment.

Of late, I’ve been feeling the pressure on the job front. There are times where I feel so tired, and that my shoulders are not strong enough to carry all this responsibility. There are times when I feel I want to leave everything behind and walk away and not look back. There are some nights when I cannot sleep, because I am replaying a to-do list in my head, or thinking of several contingency plans, of how to say things, or how to do things. It’s incredibly draining, and is currently the cause of many sleepness nights, migraines and stomach problems.

But I despite that, I do like what I do. I just wish I could be stronger and more committed to it. And I am aware that many people do not have jobs. I’d like to be more thankful about my work. And do give my 200% in everything that I do.

5. ...be more careful with my words & be less critical.

It’s a challenge for me, as I am aware that I can be very sarcastic. I am also aware that the things that I say can be very critical. I want to use my words to build people up, not tear them down.

6. ...learn to be more self sufficient & less dependent on people.

I want to learn not to bother people all the time, and to learn to depend more on myself when it comes to doing this. But so far, I have been fortunate to have friends who care for me, enough to help me out so much.

I also want to learn to appreciate my friends and family more, because I am so loved by them, and most of the time, I’m not sure if I even deserve them running around for me!

I just realized how serious the earlier list sounded. So, here are some of the more frivolous things I’d like to do in 2011:

1. Learn how to side park properly.
2. Practice playing the piano more.
3. Have enough sleep. (important, as 2011 has been sleepless so far!)
4. Eat more fruit.
5. Exercise more? (hahaha. Reality check needed.)
6. Learn how to drive outstation.
7. Pick up a new hobby. Preferably exercise related. (....ok, maybe not.)
8. Write down the number of books I read in 2011.
9. Wear more dresses? (which means more shopping for the said dresses. I think I’d like to keep this one)
10. Blog more (easier said than done!)

Wow. That’s a really long list. Is anyone resolving to do anything in 2011? Let me know all about it! I’d love to hear about your resolutions (or lack of resolutions!)

In which is the last post of 2010

2010-12-31T18:27:00.002+08:00

[mood thoughtful]
[music We Still Kill the Old Way - Lost Prophets]

Wow 2010 is at an end. That’s a decade of my life.

I had entered the new millennium as 14 year angsty, rebellious teenager. I leave the first decade of the new millennium at 24 – a dreamy, but slightly cynical young adult. It’s weird, I feel different. I talk different. I think different. I even look a little different (but thankfully it’s a good kind of different). But the main point is, I feel different.

Look we've all been searching for the five doppelgangers, right? But eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers, you know, these completely different people who just happen to look like us.
~How I met Your Mother, Season 5 – Doppelgangers.

Maybe the price we have to pay for growing up is letting go of some dreams, make sacrifices, and just...change in order to grow as a person. It could be for the worst, it could be for the better. Who can tell? Maybe by letting go of some things we open ourselves for better things in the future. Maybe by sacrificing dreams we loose a part of our self. Maybe certain actions of ours right now could negatively impact our lives in the next 10 decades. Who can tell?

Hindsight has always been 20-20 vision. I entered 2010 feeling miserable about a boy, upset about a friendship, and terrified of work. At the end of 2010, I can say with conviction I wouldn’t have changed anything about events that took place this year. I’d take the insane highs and the violent lows of the year again in a heartbeat and do it all again. Every. Single. Minute.

So. Thus endeth a decade. This chapter is closed. There are still unresolved issues that threaten to spring out on me and eat me alive in the new decade, but that’s for another day. What better way than to close the book with a list of 10’s?

10 Serious Things I learnt in 2010:

1. That the cliché holds true; Trust once broken can never be regained again.
2. To sort out the important from the urgent. Something I’m still learning.
3. To set boundaries; when to open my heart to people, and when to withdraw. Also, still learning how to do this.
4. How Fear petrifies, punishes and paralyzes us. Fear of what others may do to us. Fear of what we cannot do for others. Fear of what God or people may do to us if we do or not do for others.
5. That I have a serious problem with just surrendering. I feel a constant need to be in control of everything, and prepare several contingency plans for all the “what-ifs” that happen. And that I cannot go on like that.
6. To recognize potential in others, and to learn not to let jealousy take over, but instead, to try channel that potential to achieve great things.
7. To let go of the petty. Things which bothered me years ago would not affect me today.
8. To give. And not expect anything in return. Still learning.
9. There is a need for me to learn how to be a more compassionate and kind person.
10. To drive properly.

Here’s to 2011. It’s going to be amazing.

In which is an open letter to clients

2010-12-12T04:35:00.001+08:00

[mood depressed]
[music Something to do with my hands - Her Space Holiday]

Dear Clients,

You think that we’re just sharks in suits, who make a lot of money. You have this picture of a glamorous person, a smooth talker, a villainous character who profits from the misery of people. You think that the law is there to be manipulated by people like us, that what we do best is to find loopholes in everything.

How wrong you are.

There’s a side to the practice which you will probably never see.

You will never ever see us, waking up at 3.38am, panicking, because we are afraid that we have not done enough to help you. You will never know how many cases we read, or how many textbooks we have read, to find something, anything, which will help you to fix the mistakes you made. You will never know, how many sleepless nights we have spent, either at our offices, or in bed, tossing and turning, playing out the different situations in our minds, on what we should do, or not do, to ensure that you do not have to face the full wrath of the law.

You will never see us getting shouted at by the courts, because the judge does not know or understand or care what we have found out through long hours sitting at our desk or at libraries researching. You will never know how progress of your case is frequently interrupted because of the paperwork which the court imposes, or how we lawyers face hostility and incompetence on a daily basis by the court staff in getting all the paperwork that you need done. Like how you will never know the amount of work, which we have to do – work that was traditionally done by the court, to help the courts clear their backlog.

You never know how many meals that we skip, or that we work at 16-20 hours stretches, 7 days a week, all for you. You will never know how many phonecalls we make, trying to get information for you. Likewise, you will never know, how many derogatory words we get called, for trying to do our job of helping you.

And finally, you will never know how we get shouted at by judges, by you for our efforts. And you will never know, how at the end of the day, after all the verbal abuse, the stress, the migraines or gastric we go through and how the best years of our lives are spent endeavoring to assist you in all that we can – at the end of the day. You can choose to sue us, or not to pay our fees, or to hurl abuse at us, for not doing a better job for you, or not getting more money for you, or for loosing your case because we were unable to get the judge to see from your point of view. You will never see how you can destroy us so easily, but claim, that we are the ones who destroyed you.

So, who do you think the villains here are?

In which is full of hanging about

2010-11-30T22:18:00.008+08:00

[mood full]
[music Ever After You - the Gabe Dixon Band]

This November, I hung out with:

1. A giant Cat.

2. A Litter of Puppies

3. A dog who Plays Dead. Really well.

4. A whole lot of Cendol.

5. A whole lot of paperwork

6. An Emo Emu

7. Some happy Red Ants

8. ...as well as a sulky Ant...

9. Some singing Cowpokes

10. and some Plants and Zombies.

Also, not shown, but deserves mentioning: hanging out with more paperwork; hanging out at court; hanging out with even more paperwork; hanging out at Malacca, just for the fun of it; hanging out with friends and good food; hanging out with money issues; and hanging out at the airport.

And thus, November endeth.

In which is relevant to my interests

2010-10-24T21:19:00.002+08:00

[mood giddy]
[music Stray Italian Greyhound - Vienna Teng & Alex Wong]

Oh, no not now.
Please not now.
I've just settled into the glass half empty, made myself at home.
And so why now? Oh, please not now.
I just stopped believing in happy endings, harbors of my own.

But you had to come along didn't you?
Break down the doors, throw open windows.
Oh, if you knew just what a fool you have made me.
So what do I do with this?

This stray Italian greyhound, these inconvenient fireworks;
This ice-cream, covered screaming hyperactive thought .
God, I just want to lay down, these colors make my eyes hurt.
This feeling calls for everything that I am not.

I'm not that kind.
I'm so good at shooting down any notion,
This tired world could change.
It's all been bought. Well at least that was my line.
No use in spending all that emotion when there's someone else to blame.

But you had to come along didn't you?
Rev up the crowd, rewrite the rule book.
Where do I go when every no turns into maybe?
So what do I do with this?

This sudden burst of sunlight and me with my umbrella;
Cross indexing every weatherman's report.
I was ready for the down slide but not for spring to well up.
This feeling calls for everything I can't afford, to know is possible now...

What do I do, do I do with a love that won't sit still?
Won't do what it's told.
What do I do, do I do with a love that won't sit still?

Please not now. Please not now.
Please not now, please not...

What do I do, do I do with a love that won't sit still?
With a love that won't sit still
What do I do, do I do with a love that won't
With a love that won't sit still?

What do I do, do I do with a love that won't, that won't sit still?
Won't do what it's told
What do I do, do I do with a love that won't sit still?

Everything that I am, everything that I am.
Everything that I am, everything that I am .

In which it is not easy not to give up

2010-10-24T17:25:00.003+08:00

[mood contemplative]

Have you ever watched a hamster running in that little wheel in a hamster cage? It’s funny, I’ve always enjoyed watching a usually sluggish furball suddenly spring into life, and with a sudden burst of wild energy, leap into the wheel and start running frantically.

I (still) find it quite funny, until I realized, I am the hamster.

Haven't we all felt like that at some point?

The last few months have been quite challenging for me. I can honestly say that for some time, I’ve been running. Running, running, running on my little hamster wheel, and still wondering, what is the point of all this running?

Sometimes, I do wonder, where is all this heading to? I’ve been feeling like I’ve been running without directions. And it’s starting to tire me in the sense that I feel as if I am always on the brink of burning out.

(Maybe it’s because I’ve always been a sprinter, not a marathon runner. I’ve yet to master the act of perseverance.)

Most of the time, I’ve felt like walking away. I’ve reasoned with myself, saying that this is the longest time I’ve ever been in one place, that I have other options, that I have enough qualifications and experience to try something else, after all, I am young, why tie myself down to something which does not seem to be working out?

(This is me at my worst: always looking for a way out; always sprinting; never pacing myself in a run.)

So they ask me, “Why are you still doing this then? Just give up and find something easier. Life is too short to tie yourself down like that.”

Why am I still doing this? I do this because I know that if I give up now, I would not be fair to myself. I don’t want to miss opportunities which could change my life, or the lives of others around me by running away because I can’t see how this is going to pan out. I don’t want to limit myself, limit my potential for growth or not explore the boundaries of my own limits and see how far I can push myself.

Most of all, I don’t want to look back ten years from now, and think to myself, “What if, I had stayed on? What could I have achieved if I did?”

Granted, the decision to stay on and continue isn’t an easy one. The immense pressure is still there. I still wake up at night sometimes, panicking, because I suddenly remembered that I should have done something or that I shouldn’t have done something. I occasionally feel like something scrapped off the bottom of a shoe when I make a mistake…

…and yet. I still want to do this.

I still feel like that hamster, running on the wheel with not a clue why I am running. But this feels like my first lesson in running a marathon.

Welcome to perseverance 101. Let’s see if I can get past the exam.

In which I want to change the world

2010-10-13T09:30:00.002+08:00

[mood| inspired]
[music| Still Ain't Over You - Augustana]

Change the World

You’re going to change the world today.

No, don’t try to deny it. And you know, I understand that it can be a little overwhelming, to have the entire world depending on you. But I know that you can do it.

Actually, I knew you could do it when I first met you. When I first saw the hunger in your fingertips and the fire in your eyes.

When you spoke in just that way, with just those words, in just that rhythm that said, “I’m going to change the world. Gonna make it a little better, a little sweeter, a bit more true.”

And I remember the way you said that nothing on this or any other planet was going to stop you. Then you turned and walked away, confident and clear.

And I remember thinking to myself that you were amazing, that I’d never met anyone quite like you, and I was sure that, if you put your mind and hands to it, there was nothing that could break you.

So there you sit, knowing that today’s the day. Because I see the way you’re shifting nervously in your chair, the way your body crackles and zaps, the way your grin says that you’ve decided that there is no time like now to move.

You’re going to change the world today.

I’m just glad I was here to see it.

Change the World
taken from Jim Warda's Where Are We Going So Fast: Finding the Sacred in Everyday Moments

In which I need new directions

2010-09-13T02:18:00.003+08:00

[mood disappointed]
[music Lost - Coldplay]

There is no glamour, no honor in doing this any further. One day, it'll just wear my face, my joints and fingertips thin. One day, I will wake up and find that there's nothing left.

I just got lost.
Every river that I tried to cross.
And every door I ever tried was locked.
Oh, and I'm waiting till the shine wears off.

In which are words of wisdom

2010-08-02T19:32:00.003+08:00

[mood| envious]
[music| Boys with Girlfriends - Meiko]

“…at the end of the day, you must believe that the judge made his or her decision based on the merits of the case and not because of other factors like corruption. You must always believe this, because the day you stop believing in this, you might as well stop practicing.”

My boss mentioned this during lunch today. He’ll never read this, but I just wanted to find a way to tell him:

“Thanks. I needed that.”

In which is an aniversary I remember

2010-07-16T12:00:00.005+08:00

[mood determined]
[music La Valse D'Amelie - From the Soundtrack of Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain]

Picture taken from Terrosa's Flickr.

Malaysians, I remembered what happened a year ago today.

Did you?

In which is a real life update!

2010-07-09T09:37:00.004+08:00

[mood chipper]
[music Neuron Star Collision (Love is Foreve) - Muse]

Look! A real life update!

As of today, I am currently:

Listening to: Damien Rice. What took me so long to get around to him? He’s amazing! Especially when he sings with Lisa Hannigan.

Reading: Confessions of an Old Boy: The Dato’ Hamid Adventures by Kam Raslan (I don't usually read local authors, but this is so bust-your-guts-laughing type of fun)

Watching: Project Runway, season 7.

Excited about: going to Bali

Procrastinating on: finding a hotel to stay in Bali.

Apprehensive about: going to Redang on a company trip.

Bored of: Vampires in Hollywood. Honestly, they bring the meaning of ‘don’t play with your food’ to a whole new level.

Wishing: I can have more coffee.

Reminded of: Freddie Mercury when I was watching Matt Bellamy play the piano in Neuron Star Collision.

Getting over: the fact that Matt Smith is the 11th Doctor. And that the fact that he is rather good at it.

Crushing on: another type of Doctor.

Feeling: Like a Rainbow.

June 2010, Penang

In which concerns things which happened on this day 3 years ago.

2010-07-07T01:32:00.001+08:00

[mood awake]
[music California Girls - Katy Perry]

Hiya.

Do you remember waking up this day, in 2007, and opening the window to check on the weather? Do you remember the sudden surge of glee that shot through you when you looked out and saw blue skies and the patch of sunlight on the grass outside? It was the perfect day for a graduation.

So, it’s been three years.

I knew what stood out in your memory the most of that day. It wasn’t the whole rigmarole of the robe and cap fitting, or the flinging off of the mortarboard or even the fact that the people you cared about the most were there with you at that time. It was the time when you were sitting by the lake at night, when everyone had gone off, just sitting and thinking, what was going to happen next.

You now know, as well as I do, what happened next. Three years. Three different situations. Three times where your viewpoint and objective shifted.

You have also had three completely different hairstyles. (but that’s another story for another day.)

On this day in 2008, you were at one of your lowest points, facing what seemed to be an insurmountable mountain. Or a long, winding, miserable tunnel with a pinprick of light at the end. Only thing was, you weren’t sure if the light at the end was actually the end of the tunnel or the oncoming train that was about to smash you into tiny sticky bits. It turned out that you survived the exam a whole lot better than you expected.

On this day in 2009, you were at the crossroads again. Only this time, the crossroads seemed more murky. You didn’t know whether to stay or leave. Or venture into the unknown completely. An opportunity came. You grabbed at it. It led you to be where you are today.

On this day in 2010?

I really hope this will be the day you decided to stop worrying about the future, and just trust in God and live. Because I totally intend to do so.

Lovingly yours,
Mel

2010-06-21T15:12:00.003+08:00

[mood contemplative]

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen.
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day.

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tap when your judgement's on the brink.
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes.
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will hear the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony.

(Everything will change)

Brand New Colony - The Postal Service

In which has got to do with words

2010-05-31T22:59:00.001+08:00

[mood thoughtful]
[music Hollywood - Marina and the diamonds]

Words, words, words.

They have the ability to shape stories and sing songs and rouse nations and plant little seed-dreams in the minds and inspire ordinary people to do great things.

But.

They can also cut. They can maim and they can break. They can abuse you - make you bleed, and the wounds caused by word injuries never quite heals, but festers over time, twisting people inside out that you can only see the grotesque in them. They can drive people away, turn a beautiful girl ugly the moment she opens her mouth and confirm the worst fears you’ve been thinking of.

Let me be careful with my words. That they’re used to build up instead of tear down.

In which are things which you learn from reading law reports.

2010-05-26T14:44:00.006+08:00

[mood impressed]
[music Ben Folds - There's Someone Always Cooler than You]

This week I've been researching cases which prooves a point of law which I am not sure exists or not.

In my search, I have to go through law reports, which basically states the judge's reasoning in deciding on certain points of law. During some point, I read this paragraph:

I don't know about you, but to me, adumbrated sounded like a cool insult to use on people. Upon looking it up on Dictionary.com, I found that it meant:

Well, what do you know. You learn new words everyday from the weirdest places.

In which I think about the departed

2010-05-06T08:32:00.002+08:00

[mood pensive]
[music Antebellum - Vienna Teng]

"-You are mortal: it is the mortal way. You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell.
You grieve. Then you continue with your life.

And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on.

She is dead.

You are alive.

So live."

Brief Lives, The Sandman #7 by Neil Gaiman

I thought of you today. It's been 8 years, and I thought of you this morning. And today I wished that you were still here so badly. I can't explain why it happened, but I did.

And I just wished that you lived to see all these things that happened in the past 8 years since you went away. That you could have seen my graduation photos, the newspaper articles with me there (you would have secretly kept them) and been for my long call. I wished that you could see me today. I still wish I could see you today, at this very moment, and I would actually call your house (I can remeber the number) to thank you for all you've done for me and to tell you how much I care about you over and over again.

I hope you're sleeping peacefully.

In which is Good Friday

2010-04-02T10:45:00.004+08:00

[mood contemplative]
[music O Sacred King - Matt Redman]

"A certain man from Cyrene, Simon, the father of Alexander and Rufus, was passing by on his way in from the country, and they forced him to carry the cross."
~Mark 15:21 (NIV)

Simon Sestina

My sons and I, as we walked, we talked of the Messiah
after hearing of the miracles performed by this man
when outside the city gate, gathered a crowd seething with hate
over a broken figure, bent double, crumbling with pain.
And the centurion ordered me to pick up His cross,
or else, as a consequence, he would make my life a sorrow.

The bent figure’s eyes met mine and I saw his sorrow
not caused by the criss-cross of whip lashes and pain.
Despite my fear and the threats of the Centurion, I asked has this man
done so much wrong to the Empire to deserve this much hate?
The Centurion informed me: He had proclaimed himself as the Messiah
and was a traitor to the Empire. His fate – death. Now carry his cross!!!

And whilst I walked to Golgotha carrying his heavy, filthy cross,
anger surged within my heart as, I was an innocent man!
If this pathetic figure was really truly was the Messiah,
He could save himself from all this trouble and sorrow,
instead of me carrying his burden and pain
for His cross was wickedly heavy. My heart swelled with hate.

But I did not understand, despite our collective hate
of me and the crowd who we walked to Golgotha, the Messiah
who was bent double with suffering and sorrow.
Had in his eyes, even though it was filled with pain,
love shining in the midst of his assured death on the cross.
It was incomprehensible to see love in this man

for isn’t it in the very fiber of any man
who endured scourging, taunting and beatings, would hate,
instead of love his persecutors who will nail him to the cross?
He heard my unspoken question and despite the sorrow
there was kindness in His voice; “I have come as the Messiah
to save all mankind from death and pain.”

It was time. Golgotha echoed with His cries of pain
and anguish as the Romans nailed Him to the cross
and raised it up high whilst the men
whom He had come to save hissed and mocked in hate
as He hung, lost in His own private world of sorrow.
I wondered, is this how He will really save us, this Messiah?

For how can one bear all this pain and sorrow
and not hate those who put him on the cross
Unless this man was truly the Messiah?

© Melissa Soon

Author's note: A sestina is a structured poem consisting of six six-line stanzas followed by a tercet for a total of thirty-nine lines. The same set of six words ends the lines of each of the six-line stanzas, but in a different order each time. These six words then appear in the tercet as well, with the tercet's first line usually containing 1 and 2, its second 3 and 4, and its third 5 and 6.

In which is full of March Madness

2010-03-30T21:56:00.002+08:00

[mood indifferent]
[music Don't take my sunshine away - Sparklehorse]

March was a month of:

Must make myself meet Morpheus...

In which I express myself with pictures.

2010-03-24T12:57:00.005+08:00

[mood hungry]
[music Crystalized - The xx]

There are days when I feel like this:

"Oh, tra-la-la, pretty sky..."

And then again, there are also days when I feel like this:

"OMG ONTD!!!"

But most of the time, this is how I feel:

"Oh hello work. Shoot me, kthxbai"

But secretly, I want to have this:

Without being gay of course. Obviously.

I need to eat now.

2010-02-28T19:30:00.002+08:00

[mood contemplative]
[music I am a rock - Simon & Garfunkle]

Sometimes, I wonder if people care.

Most of the time, they don't.

In which I write about stuff on:

2010-02-22T22:18:00.002+08:00

[mood blank]
[music Rain on my Rooftop]

Love

I had initially wanted to write something belatedly derisive about Valentine’s day and say something scornful about Love in general. Of late, I’m starting to equate love with hurt (the term love is used broadly, not in a romantic context, but in other relationships as well; friendships, family, hobbies & passions, etc) but then. I came across something which reminded me why I had to keep my faith in love:

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more. (Erica Jong in How to Save Your Own Life)

Chinese New Year

So anyway. Chinese New Year! It can be summed up in one easy statement: Be sure to wear comfortable trousers.

Because most of the time will be spent eating, playing blackjack/mahjong/any other way you can devise to loose money and entertaining young cousins. Other times, you spend lounging in front of the television watching AXN with a box of cookies or chips in hand. Meal times will consist of meaty dishes, seafood dishes, yee sang, the occasional vegetable platter and steamboat. And because it’s Chinese New Year, you will be pressed to have second helpings. And you usually will.

The weather

Whilst most of Europe and USA is still holed in under a blanket of snow, we’ve been getting a lot of sunlight here. Whilst that condition may be described as pleasant in other cooler climes, I would like to say it’s schizophrenic. It veers between extreme heat and extreme rain, all within the space of one day.

But when all’s said and done, today, I was caught in a heavy downpour in KL where there was loud thunder, winds that upturned my umbrella and flashfloods that seeped into my shoes. I was utterly soaked before I got home.

And it was so awesome.

It's still raining as I write this, by the way.

Work

I have a love-hate relationship with my job. On some days, when things go my way, I love the work, I enjoy hunting for cases that help me nail my own case. Then there are other days when you haven’t a clue where to start looking for the answers and you have deadlines to meet and billing targets to fulfill and things start looking bleak.

That is until, you win your case and you get this unbelievable high. And the whole vicious cycle begins again.

In which I squeeze the pimple in the otherwise blemish free skin of Life

2010-02-12T22:48:00.004+08:00

[mood moody]
[music Vanilla Twilight - Owl City]

Disclaimer: this is just regarding one area of my life, and my no means affecting me to the point where I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t function. I’m actually quite well, thanks very much. This is just merely the massive red pimple on the otherwise blemish free skin of Life. You just want to squeeze that pimple out, because you think you’re doing something. As to how effective it is, well….

Recently, I have to admit that I’ve been a little sad.

Not a massive depressive sad, but that kind of sad that creeps into your consciousness at the end of an okay day. The kind of sad which makes you feel like your foundations and faith in people is shaken, and leaves you doubting and self searching. The kind of sad that suddenly brings tears to your eyes, when something insignificant happens. The kind of sad you get when a single glance can say so much more, and what it says hurts.

I’m quite a good pretender, but I’m just tired of telling myself I’ll be ok, things happen for a reason and everything will work out. Like a friend told me, “You can lie to others, but not to yourself.” (I rolled my eyes, but it’s actually true!)

Perhaps today, I am not as strong or as forgiving or optimistic and not as big a person as I thought I was. I would change that if I could, but I can’t, not now anyway.

I’m tired of all these facades. I just want to be angry about it (still am, actually), get closure or whatever, and move on and heal. But for some reason, I just can’t yet. So I’m stuck being sad.

What happened serves as a dual purpose. One, I am reminded that people change constantly, and the things that you’re sure of can just slip from your hands, just like that. And nothing’s the same anymore. Two, trust is like Humpty Dumpty, all the King’s Horses and all the King’s men cannot put it back together again once it’s broken. Which is a pity because you’d think that when you’ve gone though sickness and health and countries together, you’d think that you could trust each other. And now you can’t.

I am going to be as vague about it as possible, but if you want to know, and if you're brave/care enough to approach and ask me about it. I will tell you, only if you ask. Until then, read between the lines, draw whatever conclusion you want.

Anyway, I am currently:

Listening to: Owl City

Reading: Decline and Fall by Evelyn Waugh

Watching: Dollhouse, Season 2

Looking forward to: the Holidays

Wanting to eat: seaweed crisps

Being confused over: whether I am born in the year of the Ox or the Tiger. Am I an Oxger? Tigox?

Fussing over: my car

In other news, Chinese New Year is approaching! Who needs Valentine's day when you can have a week of festivities, money, cookies, good food and a HOLIDAY. I am going to make myself feel violently happy.

In which I say yes to dreaming today.

2010-02-03T09:41:00.002+08:00

[mood excited]
[music Lifesize - A Fine Frenzy]

Let me let you in on a secret.

Today is going to be different.

Today, I shall take the time to walk out and appreciate the sights, the sounds, the colors around me.

Today, I will smile at strangers on the train, speak to the cleaner aunty, and thank the domestic worker for cleaning the bathrooms.

Today, I will take the time to dream, to doodle little pink hearts on my to-do list and whistle whilst I work.

Today, I will be the green in the milo can, the pink in the sunset and the grey on the dusty road and the yellow in the sunlight. Today I will think about psychedelic colors and wonder what a rainbow will taste like. Today I will read a good book, listen to music with pretty lyrics, and daydream about whether clouds are cotton candy or marshmallow flavored. Today I will feel the wind as I walk down the streets of the city and pretend I’m in the Windy City.

Because today, I say yes to fairy-tales and secret worlds in mirrors and white horses and cream heaped cupcakes and bursts of riotous color.

Because today, I will say no to cynicism, and despair and hopelessness.

Because today, I'm going to let myself dream again.

In which growing up is hard to do!

2010-01-21T09:45:00.004+08:00

[mood grumpy]
[music Nothing Ever Happens - Del Amitri]

Somehow, I am reminded of the time when I fell sick in the winter of 2007.

What happens in the UK is, when you get sick, you call the NHS clinic and arrange an appointment. You will then walk (bear in mind, being a student away from home you tend to depend on your trusty legs to get everywhere) to the nearest clinic (strategically located 30 minutes away from where I was staying) and see the doctor. The doctor will then ask a few questions and send you on your way. You will have to buy your medication from the pharmacy and go back home.

So, I caught the flu. It was cold, it snowed, I was feeling like hell, and I walked to the clinic. The doctor advised me to take 2 ibuprofen and drink tea. I walked back to my hall still feeling like hell. And remembered that I had no tea to drink in the first place.

My point is, growing up means that you’ve got to start fending for yourself more. We’ve all wanted to grow up so badly when we were 12. We dreamt of the day where we could drive or drink whisky or do stuff without parental permission or to get a job and get a credit card.

Suddenly, when you’ve reached it, you realize that maybe it’s not as glamorous as your 12 year old self thought. It comes with looking after yourself, and it comes with responsibilities and commitments and it comes with the realization that credit cards and careers come with a cost and there are times when you feel that your shoulders aren’t strong enough to carry Atlas’s weight and where dreams give way to cynicism.

So, I’m growing up, and what does it mean?

It means driving yourself to the doctor when you get sick.

It means killing cockroaches and disposing the carcass without yelling for help.

It means finding foraging for food on your own when there’s none in the house.

It means being more sensible and being less giddyheaded.

It means not being so idealistic and being more realistic.

It means making hard choices about things.

It means doing disgusting chores because you have to.

It means learning how to be more diplomatic and tactful when dealing with difficult people.

It means learning how to be professional.

It means taking on more financial responsibilities, and make careful financial planning.

It means listening to BFM 89.9 and realizing that you understand the business jargon that the CEO’s are spouting.

It means that kids will be calling me “Aunty” more soon. (Argh! Stop!)

It means…..

….its time to start investing in a good anti-aging cream.

I hope your day is filled with wonder and amazement and chocolate cake and the things you used to love as a kid.

In which are likes and wants

2010-01-15T14:10:00.003+08:00

[mood productive]
[music Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls]

I like

jeans
shiny things
Audrey Hepburn
cold days
the smell of books
witty conversation
boys who wear converse
funny slogans on shirts
Belle & Sebastian
high heels
Prague
Johnny Rzeznik
walking
mentos

Have realized that I have everything I need. And all the things I want are intangible things, which money cannot buy, such as trust and bravery and sincerity and time and love and laughter and friendship and happiness and freedom and….

….I realized this whilst shopping in KLCC. Needless to say, the shopping trip was not a success.

In which my sister turns 18

2010-01-14T22:49:00.001+08:00

[mood good]
[music I will possess your heart - Death Cab for Cutie]

18 years old today, I was rudely awoken up at 6am to be told excitedly that I was going to be a big sister.

At 6 years old, when you’re woken up by an overenthusiastic aunt, shaking the sleep out of you, and yelling about something about being the Eldest Child, and your parents are nowhere in sight, you’d be a bit wary about a new baby.

As I gazed at the new arrival to the family, I couldn’t help thinking how small the new baby looked. And how squirmy.

Not only was the new baby squirmy, she also was noisy. And hyperactive. And seemed to enjoy using me as a chew toy. But I digress.

As she grew, we fought a lot. She was stubborn about getting her own way and I was adamant about mine. There were times where she was so annoying, I just wanted to scream.

But she continued growing. And as she grew, I started noticing things were different. I noticed she was strong enough to stand out from the crowd and be a good kind of different. She started to listen more and talk less. She started to give sensible suggestions. She started to use her talents to serve God more. She began to take on responsibilities and shoulder the burdens that came with the responsibilities. She started to become more encouraging.

(she also started growing %)*^$%ing tall, but that’s another story for another day)

So, 18 years down the line, and I cannot imagine life without my younger sister. She’s the best friend a girl can have and the person whom I can trust the most. She’s also the person who can annoy me the most. And keep me sane sometimes.

So, now my younger sister is legally an adult. And, oh, how things has changed since she was brought home as a tiny, noisy baby 18 years ago. And I am a much better and blessed person for it.

Happy birthday Sister.

In which we don't know where we go from here

2010-01-12T23:37:00.003+08:00

[mood calm]
[music Insomnia – Feeder]

I am not entirely sure if I’m rational enough to write this. I also don’t know if I can approach the subject without being too emotional. But speak about this I must.

When I read the news that the Metro Tabernacle was gutted, the feeling I got was akin to shell shock. The first thought that raced through my mind was “It couldn’t have happened here, in Malaysia.” The pictures of a wrecked shop lot church looked like something out of an Iraq war zone, and not a place 20 minutes from where I worked.

The news then started pouring in. The Assumption Church got hit as well. Another attempted arson attack was carried out against the Life Chapel. A fourth church was reportedly attacked. Protests were going on in the mosque. Supposed news where people were smashing cars with rosaries and Christian emblems/signs in them. Later, more arson reports on other churches in Miri, in Negeri Sembilan. A convent school in Taipeng. Black paint thrown onto church doors. A pastor being harassed. It was surreal.

When I found out that the Life Chapel was a victim to attempted arson, I felt like crying. It hit a bit too close to home for me. I felt sad, as if all those painful lessons from the past were for naught. This was not the Malaysia I know.

I don’t know whether it was the fanaticism, boredom or plain ignorance of the perpetrators that caused these attacks. But whatever it is, I will try and forgive them, as much as it is in my human capacity to forgive. For the people who are carrying such hate, such anger and rage in them, I really hope that one day you will be able to find peace in your hearts.

But what is done has been done. Ministers have condemned the attacks of arson. What was touching was the way the other Muslims offered to clean up or contribute to the damaged Metro Tabernacle. If anything, this indicates that this is the work of only a minority, and not the majority viewpoint, and for that I am grateful. This also reinforced my belief that no religion would teach their followers to do evil, but good instead. If you’re a genuine believer, this would not have happened.

Who wishes to incite the rabble? For what (or whose) cause are you doing so? Tread carefully my friend, you’re on dangerous ground. All it takes its just one carefully chosen word, and you find people lashing out of control.

A mob, or a rabble, who think that they are defending a higher cause is a dangerous tool. It may start out with good intentions, but a rabble is volatile, combustible, emotional, and it just takes the actions of one person acting out of line before the situation gets out of hand. And the rabble rouser may not realize this until it is too late, but the rabble can easily turn and attack the one who had incited them (Robespierre ring a bell to anyone?).

So the question playing on my (and everybody) mind is this. Where do we go from here?

Where does this leave us? What do we do next? Will holding interfaith dialogues work if both parties cannot approach withan open mind? It seems that the Police have already arrested their suspects, but is there anything to be done about the fear? How about the tarnished reputation of Malaysia to the rest of the world that we are not the moderate Islamic country that we are portrayed as? Will this cause the hungrily sought after foreign investors turn to Indonesia instead, as they are perceived to be more religiously tolerant? Are the youth ministers who are saying that Allah for Muslims only be arrested under the ISA? Will this mean a different type of laws against anti discrimination, or taking away our rights to preserve the ‘sensitivities’ of the state?

I don’t know. I really don’t know. It’s the uncertainty which I fear.

(And I remember the words of a little green Jedi saying: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”)

But I do know one thing. The One True God (Allah? YHWH?) has a plan for this country. And if anything, I believe in my God, the One True God will preserve the nation. And I also believe in Malaysians, not the ones who hurled hate, and anger and Molotov cocktails at brick and cement, but Malaysians who felt sad at watching this hate, and will stand up to speak out at this hate with God’s love.

Because if we cannot believe in this, there is no way we can move on.

In which my country makes me sad sometimes

2010-01-08T14:52:00.002+08:00

[mood indescribable]

3 Malaysian Churches Firebombed

No Stopping Churches Over Allah Issue

Attacks on Churches: Government may use ISA (Update 2)

Groups to Protest over Allah issue

And no one thinks they are to blame.

Why can’t we see, when we bleed we bleed the same?

In which is the last post of 2009

2009-12-31T12:05:00.004+08:00

[mood content]
[music Where the Story Ends - The Fray]

So, 2009 in a nutshell: The year of opportunity. Everything is significant, as in 2009, I:

Bankrupted my first person.

Had a semi surprise party thrown for me.

Volunteered to serve in the YF and YAF in church

Played piano for YAF worship

Passed my driving exam for the 2nd time

Cried myself to sleep.

Attended an auction in Alor Star on my own…

….and flew there in business class.

Met the Apple Pie Guy.

Got really disappointed with the Apple Pie Guy.

Completed my legal aid at Tenaganita.

Witnessed police corruption for the first time.

Made a police report.

Acted as translator for foreign worker.

Despaired for my country.

Cared too much about work.

Felt God’s presence in my life.

Despaired over human rights and its hypocritical pretentiousness.

Got to know a friend better whilst both being in a different continent.

Presented piece on Malaysian constitution before firm.

Completing my chambering

Went to Australia.

Went to iBridge camp and came back inspired & refreshed.

Started work as a proper lawyer.

Called to the Bar and actually have become a proper lawyer. (this will not stop feeling weird.)

Wondered if Galahad and I are friends or more? Conclusion: friendship's better.

Decided to just go with the flow.

Experienced the full force of an emotional rollercoaster. Multiple times.

Felt the fear of failing, resurfacing in full force in me.

Watched a meteor shower.

Made lots more friends.

Watched people come and go and friends change.

Wondered if I’ve changed also. (Yes.)

It was a year of opportunity, and year of blessings and a year of trial. I’ve hardened, become more cynical, and more insecure about myself. But at the same time, I know I’m loved, I’m appreciated and I’m more confident. I’ve given up dreams, I’ve faced fears and I’ve laughed, loved, lived, wept, despaired and rejoiced harder than I’ve ever done. And I’ve grown.

And honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Happy 2010 everyone.

Everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same.

In which is Christmas

2009-12-25T21:27:00.004+08:00

[mood| accomplished]
[music| West Coast Friendship - Owl City]

Merry Christmas everyone!

In which Christmas is awesome and not awesome at the same time

2009-12-23T09:20:00.004+08:00

[mood caffeinated]
[music Long Division - Death Cab for Cutie]

Ten totally-awesomesauce things about Christmas
(in no order of importance)

1. Jesus Christ
2. Family reunions
3. Christmas choir and caroling
4. Church
5. Gift giving and its prelude of Christmas shopping
6. Christmas trees in shopping malls (has anyone seen Midvalley’s décor? IT IS EPIC!)
7. Turkey with cranberry sauce
8. Tingly feelings of “ZOMG CHRISTMAS!”
9. Friends
10. Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas

Ten not-so-awesomesauce things about Christmas
(in no order of importance)

1. Knowing that I’ll be older in exactly 27 days.
2. Family reunions
3. Over commercialization of the season
4. Obligatory gift giving & gift receiving
5. Post Christmas weight
6. Feeling like the Grinch
7. Tacky Christmas decorations. Especially Santa’s that gyrate to Jingle Bells
8. Dealing with crowds in malls…
9. …who are scrambling for last minute Christmas gifts
10. Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’

(and an obligatory)

11. NO SNOW IN MALAYSIA!!! (Why la, why?)

In which I have an irrational fear of things not going my way

2009-12-20T17:12:00.003+08:00

[mood| contemplative]
[music| Spark - The Bird and the Bee]

I don't know which scares me more: the fact that my time is running out or the fact that I have the potential to royally screw things up.

I would like to stop always feeling so scared of failing/falling.

Also, I think too much.

EDIT: Chocolate cures everything. FACT.

In which Hair matters

2009-12-13T16:07:00.006+08:00

[mood| geeky]
[music|The Show - Lenka ]

So, whilst browsing through promo pictures of the new Doctor Who Christmas special, I came across this picture of David Tennent

Who is looks slightly mad, and as if he had just used up half the galaxy's supply of hair gel. And to my horror, it looks common, and as if he's a twenty something who went all out with hair wax in an attempt to impress his date and it turned out not quite right.

I do not approve of this new development.

What happened to the days of DW where the amazing Mr. Tennent had gorgeous hair?

Like during Girl in the Fireplace?

Gorgeous hair, spent lots of time drooling.

And during Tooth and Claw?

It was very pretty, and I approved.

And during The Unicorn and the Wasp?

Twas crazy, but in a good kind of way! I also approved.

And who could forget the emo hairstyle in The Runaway Bride?

It made me want to pet him on the head and give him a biscuit.

I guess what I'm trying to say is:

GIVE BACK DAVID TENNANT'S GORGEOUS HAIR BBC!!!!

And also randomly, John Simm as the master is awesome.

In which Christmas is more about receiving than giving.

2009-12-04T09:26:00.003+08:00

[mood lazy]
[music: Undisclosed Desires - Muse]

Rainy Friday mornings are meant to be for sleeping in. Should I ever own a law firm, this rule will be fervently implemented.

So, Christmas is coming, in all its commercial glory. Have yet to feel the tingly Christmas spirit. It gets always bit tiring at the end of the year, with all the activities and festivities and the sheer amount of eating done and the effort spent in shopping for Christmas gifts (not that I actually mind, but it’s difficult la, thinking of what to buy for who and who will like what. And what do you give someone who has everything?!?).

Watched A Christmas Carol last week. Which kinda encapsulates Christmas, because at its core, A Christmas Carol is about second chances, redemption and a clean slate. Picture this: Ebenezer Scrooge, a misanthropic, miserly, mean fellow gets offered the chance to change his future, despite all the horrible things he said or what he did to people. He got a second shot at life, to change his ways, to be a better, happier person and to love and be loved.

People sometimes think Christmas is only about giving, but it also tells of what we want to receive (the gift giving process goes both ways, you see). We’re offered the gift of a second chance, of redemption and a whole new different and better life. And it’s also about choice, whether you want to accept the gift. So what’s it going to be? Your call.

Merry Christmas readers.

That being said, this Christmas I would like:

warm smiles
genuine hugs
people to feel loved
chocolate coffee
you to stop fighting
snow (har har.)
your prayers to be answered
a puppy
pretty hairbands

Mel out.

In which I am honest about my womanly capabilities.

2009-11-26T10:40:00.007+08:00

[mood scared]
[music Albion - Babyshambles]

Women gained the right to vote 80 years ago, along with equal working and wage rights as men, and we have moved to pass laws to protect women rights and we have become astronauts and engineers and lawyers and pilots and taxi drivers and we have shown that we are equally capable, and that we are strong enough to move mountains and plough fields and build machinery and lead countries and yet...

....I can't even pick up the phone and make a simple phonecall to a guy I kinda/sorta like because I am a girl, and I am shy and I am chicken shit terrified of the consequences.

Emmeline Pankhurst must be rolling in her grave.

[on a side note, why don't we bat an eyelash when someone calls a woman a slut or a bitch whereas you get raked over coals for being racists when you call someone a chink or a nigger? Why is this socially acceptable?]

In which is what I wish I could tell my 17 year old self

2009-11-21T20:53:00.004+08:00

[mood full]
[music 1234 - Plain White T's]

Was clearing out my drawer that day, and found my old diaries. Took them out, reread them, and had a good laugh at myself growing up. But what shocked me the most was reading the diary I kept when I was 17. It was like something a totally different person had written. I was torn between wanting to give my 17 year old self a hug and wanting to yell at her for being such a self absorbed twit. And I just wished that at 17, I knew some of the things which I knew today.

It made me wonder if knowing all this would make me a better person now if I knew, but sometimes it's the learning process to help us see how far we've come. So, I sat down and wrote this instead:

17 things that I wish I could tell my 17 year old self

One day your acne will go away, your hair will be less oily, and you'll loose all that weight. You will still have those 'unpretty' days, but in time, you will be able to look in the mirror and learn to love the girl looking back at you.
The whole world isn't always against you. It's just in your head most of the time. Stop thinking that everyone's antagonizing you. And stop being such a diva.
If you want more friends, you've first got to take the first step and approach people. And smile. People like being approached. Loose all your stupid pride and go out there and talk to people first. Be a friend to them instead of expecting them to be friends with you.
Stop judging people by the way they look and act. Some of your closest friends today are the people you never be friends with back in high school. Grow up.
Just get over yourself already.
It doesn't matter that you can't do add maths, maths or physics. You won't be needing any of that crap when you start working.
You are not as slow and stupid as your add maths teacher told you. One day, you're gonna grow up and be one of the top law students in the country. Believe it.
The old saying of “there are many fish in the sea” holds true. Don't hang on to what is second (or third. Or fourth. Or fifth) best. You're worth a whole lot more than he ever could be.
There are some dreams which you are holding on to which will hold you back. Let them go, there's something much better in store for you....
....but with that being said, don't give up on your dreams or call them stupid. You will one day travel around the world and learn so many new things, you will achieve so many things you wanted to do.
You'll never loose your love for writing. Don't be so dismissive about it, no matter how childish or crappy your work sometimes seems. Someday you'll miss writing so much it'll be this gnawing hurt deep in you.
Stop thinking “I can't do it.” You can and you will one day do the impossible and achieve things you can't even dream of. You're not as obscure as you think you are.
There are so many people who care for you. So. Damn. Much.
It is possible for you to love more than 1 person at a time. Your heart will learn to expand and grow large enough to fit all of them in.
Be nicer to your sister. She's going to be your best friend one day.
God's steadfastness will amaze you continually, despite all the times when you think He's given up on you. He hasn't.
Stop wallowing in self pity. Your life at 23 will be FABULOUS.

It was tough thinking and writing about this, as its personal, and I feel that I've really changed so much to the point I think my younger self won't recognize me today. So, my challenge to you. If you could, what would you want to tell your younger self, if you could?

In which I would if I could

2009-11-19T09:13:00.004+08:00

[mood wistful]
[music Untitled 4 - Sigur Ros]

If I could, I would:

Write a book
Learn to dance
Watch the aurora borealis flicker across the sky
Stay up all night just to look at the stars
Take up photography
Climb a mountain
Get a pet
Throw a garden party
Change someone’s life for the better
Bagpack across the world
Learn to drive properly
Sing in the rain
Learn to play the guitar
Perform in a musical
Read poetry to someone in the park
Help a cause
Go running
Attend a masquerade ball
Commit to something/someone

Are they still within reach? Some days it seems that dreams are just stardust and moonrock and further away that they've ever been.

And some days, I wish I was the girl I was before. What happened to her? Where did all her dreams go? What changed? Did she change or did the dream change.

Or is she just having Peter Pan syndrome?

In which is plot twists and a thank you

2009-11-16T18:19:00.004+08:00

[mood loved]
[music Valkyrie Missile – Angels & Airwaves]

I cannot make speeches to save my life.

So I won’t. I’ll tell you a story instead.

Once upon a time, there was a young girl, who had always wanted to write down the stories and the words that ran through her head. When everyone wrote sensible things like ‘doctor’, ‘engineer’ or ‘businessman’ in the ambition column in school forms she would scribble ‘author’, ‘writer’ or ‘journalist’. At 15 she told all her friends who would listen that she was going to take a communications course in university, and become a journalist one day.

“One day,” she told them whilst waving her arms around expansively. “I’ll go to places we’ve only dreamt of going and I’m going to tell the stories of people who live there, and I’m going to write a book all about it.”

Most people would just humor her by agreeing. But there was never any doubt about what she would be one day.

She was so utterly sure at 15 this was the way her story would end. The writer girl back in high school would go to university in Australia to get her degree, come back home to work as a journalist whilst writing her book. She would perhaps be a mediocre writer, in a country which read less than 2 books a year, but nevertheless, she would be writing still, and that was all that mattered. It was the perfect story, with no loose threads in sight, perfectly spun and neat.

However, this young writer girl never kept the plot twists in mind. As all storytellers know, the story often writes itself.

She never thought that there was a whole world out there with so much more to learn and read and write about. She never thought that she would enjoy learning about demands and supplies and statistics and about human rights and the supremacy of the constitution. She’d never expected them to fascinate her enough to want to lean more about philosophies of law and how these written frameworks reach and govern the masses of society.

She had also not expected to suddenly receive a letter to study in England instead of Australia. But she said yes.

The plot twisted. The learning never stopped, instead it intensified, with new words, like equitability and fiduciaries and incorporations and treaties alongside with the precise definition of reasonableness and amongst other new and alien concepts alongside with hours and cramming, essays and tutorials. She lost track of the cups of coffee, the tears, the sleepless nights where laws and different types of words ran through her head and the many, many times she just wanted to walk away because it was just too difficult, and she felt that didn’t have what it takes to make it.

However, she somehow stuck to it, because her family and friends told her that she did have what it took and that she could do it. What she learnt crept insidiously into her, she started to look at things differently, realizing that there was a whole lot hurt in the world which needed helping and that the law is be a two edged sword, and it can be a total bitch sometimes, but the learning process never stopped and the girl found that she loved it because of that. And she didn’t want the learning to stop. For now.

And that day, as she stood in the courtroom and as she looked at the faces of her family and friends who were sitting in the public gallery, she realized that she had never been more thankful for anything in her life. Because the story would not have happened without the people in her life, who has seen her through the best and worst times. Or it would not have been as exciting without them. Most of all, the writer girl is grateful to the Divine Storyteller who is still keeping her hanging on every word, and revealing the plot it to her bit by bit each day.

Of course, the story doesn’t end there. The writer girl has grown older now, and though she kept those dreams of being a writer in a secret chest and hid it in a secret part of herself, she knows that there may be a time where she can bring that chest out again. But for now, she wants to know: does she live happily ever after?

To that, I cast her a grin and tell her: “To be continued.”

______________________________________________________________

This is where the academy award part of the speech is. Almost.

To God for being the Divine Storyteller, and revealing a piece of his plan for my life bit by bit.

I wouldn’t be here without my family, so I want to thank my Father, for supporting me financially throughout my studies, my mother who made all those sacrifices, supported all the tough decisions I had to make and kept encouraging me continually at my worst times. And my sister for just being there and being her lovely annoying self to keep me sane and not so serious.

To my grandparents, who have so much belief in me no matter what I did. That belief is enough to sustain me though sometimes.

To my church members, especially those in the AHF, for their continual support, prayers and concern for my studies and my work. They have always been supportive of me and would always remember to pray for me, during my exams. I wanted to thank Uncle Hock Swee personally, for attending my long call, and be prepared to move my call or robe me, should my mover or master not arrived.

To all my friends who sent me the congratulatory texts, facebook messages and phonecalls, you guys are lovely, thank you for all your well wishes.

Finally to the friends who made it on that jammed Friday afternoon! Xian Ai, Cindy, Thomas, Mark and Lordson! You guys are amazing. So, so, so amazing. Thank you for taking time out to come, although all of you were so busy, and for surprisingly showing up with lovely flowers. Thank you for being my friends!

In which I want to be me

2009-11-08T21:21:00.005+08:00

[mood hopeful]
[music Ruby - Kaiser Chiefs]

Was just listening to KT Tunstall's "Suddenly I See" and for the first time, I actually listened to the lyrics properly, and I was enchanted.

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I just want to be this girl who KT sings about, the one who fills up spaces and makes you see in color, and who is so confident in her own skin and inspires people around her. I want to be that tower of strength and maturity, and the girl who people wants to be around because of her personality and wisdom.

I want to be the kind of girl who stays up to 3am at night to look at the stars at any opportunity she has and to just laugh and be free, and not care what people think. I want to walk the streets of Moscow, and London and Bohemia and Anatolia and Manchu Picchu. I want to laugh, and love and just live.

I want....

In which is a friendship spanning a decade.

2009-09-16T23:01:00.004+08:00

[mood| nostalgic]
[music| Low - Coldplay]

The first time we met was in the classroom of 1 Nemesu in SMK Damansara Jaya in 1999. We've never been classmates again after that, but somehow, this crazy friendship managed to last throughout the years of High School. We then moved on to different colleges, different unis, and ended up studying in different continents altogether!

And so now, here we are, 10 years later, both much older, just as crazy, and still living on different continents (and juggling different timezones!). We've changed. We've got different interests. We're still the greatest friends.

So here's to us, and the next 10 years of friendship.

In which is Independance Day

2009-08-31T16:47:00.003+08:00

[mood| rushed]
[music| The Way We Get By - Spoon]

And so once more, another year has passed and Merdeka has swung around. TV's are ablaze with patriotic messages and advertisements, all with the catchy 1Malaysia slogan. Ministers use it in all their speeches, radios play patriotic songs and teachers are instructed to teach it to the young Minds of Malaysia.

Today, displayed across the headlines of The Star proclaimed "PM: Tear down the walls" which was a cry from the Prime Minister on Malaysians to “repair the bridges and tear down the divisive walls” that exist among the races. Which in essence, encapsulates, 1Malaysia in a bottle.

But honestly, do we need repeated messages by the media telling people of different races to respect each other?

Instead shouldn't the citizens of Malaysia should focus on other aspects.

Like the promises of the minister during elections saying that laws allowing preventive detention without trial will be reviewed, and yet till today, we have heard no news about it.

Or how billions of ringgit that has been spent to 'develop' the Port Klang Free Zone(PKFZ) was overlooked by an anti corruption commission but unearthed by a private accounting company.

And how the abovesaid projects in PKFZ seem to be connected to some high ranking politicians, but there is yet to be any actions taken against them?

Or perhaps, the death of a witness in the MACC Headquarters after a night of questioning.

Let's not forget how civilians and their lawyers are arrested by the police for merely expressing their opinions.

And the one I cannot forget: the one where I witnessed blatant corruption in the police force in being reluctant to investigate a potential human traffiking ring going on in a sleepy small town?

Or the the plight of the migrant worker community who are suffering in the country who are exploited to do back breaking work for menial pay?

And how about the Myanmar refugees being detained in detention centers, where their refugee status is not recognized in Malaysia.

There is a whole host of things which are going wrong in this country. We need more good governance than ever, one who is sincere in stomping out all these problems that we are facing in the country. We need people who are not apathetic about what is going on, and are not afraid to speak out when these wrongs are committed. We need to stand united as 1Malaysia against all the corruption and evil going on, committed by those who have long arms and deep pockets.

This is how I personally feel about it. I will not run and migrate to a country where there are 'better opportunities' or other places where the lure of wealth or a better life seems to beckon. Because I believe with all my heart, this is where I was born, and this is where I will stay until I die, no matter how bad things get. Because this is what being Malaysian is all about, sticking on in your country and making a difference.

We've stood independent for 52 years from foreign rule. Don't let this beautiful country be colonized and ruled by corruption and unjust rulers.

Happy 52nd Independence Day Malaysians. Stand tall. Go out there and make a difference in this land.

In which time will/does heal all wounds

2009-08-31T16:44:00.001+08:00

[mood| apathetic]
[music| Run - Snow Patrol]

One day......

...my soft little heart
with it's hairline cracks and
knothole ridden tissue
will
twist, and knit and mend
and
scab over to
reconstruct.
And reveal
pomegranate pink tender
flesh which will turn to
white scars and will grow
old to fade away to
nothing more than a....

...whisper.

In which I'm gonna miss it here.

2009-08-12T09:26:00.000+08:00

[mood| mischievous]
[music| Cycling Trivialities - Jose Gonzalez]

Am leaving the Hallowed Halls of Long Hours Are Guaranteed for a different place in a couple of months.

In a way, I think I'll miss it a whole lot more than I'd think.

After all, how many law firms will get you do do things like this?

The Dwarf Incident, which will NEVER BE MENTIONED AGAIN!!!!

In which should be the right working attitude

2009-07-24T08:29:00.003+08:00

[mood| touched]
[music| Dear Catastrophe Waitress - Belle & Sebastian]

²²Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. ²³Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.

Colossians 3:22-23

I've been having the wrong attitude lately about my work. It has gotten so bad, it's to the point where I feel that I'm on the verge of a burnout, and I just want to give it all up and pack it in, and just walk away. I've been working, just for the sake of working, just to get everything done and to move on to the next thing to be finished. Which is wrong. I've stopped enjoying what I do, it's become something mechanical, something that I think of as a chore. I've lost the feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment I got when I first started.

But then, I just realized, that I've been doing it all wrong so far. I keep forgetting that I am not just working for my boss, or for my seniors, or the company. I am doing it for God. Why am I complaining about God's work? That obviously was not right.

I took a step back and analyzed. Am I doing my work with all my heart? Who am I trying to please? I was not happy with the answers I thought of.

So this is me, taking a step back, and rethinking again, what is my objective in this firm? What am I doing here? What is my purpose here? Who am I really working for? Everything just clicked into my head at 8am this morning.

I'm doing it for Him.

And I'm going to do the best job ever for my Lord.

In which change is a trendy thing to talk about, but...

2009-07-20T22:09:00.004+08:00

[mood| cynical]
[music| How am I to be - The Watson Twins]

We've all been talking about change lately. We were all so excited, thinking that we're living on the cusp of something new, something promising and exciting, that we're living in times where the winds are changing, and we're all just waiting, holding our breath, and hoping for better things, better times.

We've all been so excited about change: from the new Obama administration, to the 8th March Political Tsunami in Malaysia, to the Iranian elections.

(Can we make a change?)
(Yes we can!)

Close to home, I love the idea, the concept of 1Malaysia. It's a great slogan, it's catchy, and it's new, and it smells of change, it makes us believe in better things that are to come. It speaks volumes of a land of true equality, of democracy, of a new and changed Malaysia.

But current events makes it harder and harder for me to believe in 1Malaysia. We don't see changes, we don't see new things, we just see old policies, under new names, in new disguises. No matter how much rebranding has taken place, there has been no change. Things here are still the same.

I'm just tired of opening the newspapers and reading of political fights, of murders, of internal and external party bickering, of falsely optimistic reports of how things are going to get better, and how well we're doing.

You really want change? Tell the truth then, for a start. We don't need royal inquiries or commissioners against corruption, or incessant politicking. What Malaysia needs now is the truth.

Now, that will truly be a change.

In which are things which I wish I could say

2009-07-01T13:59:00.002+08:00

[mood| contemplative]
[music| Our Last Days as Children - Explosions in the Sky]

Has anyone ever had days when they felt like this? Tell me all about it.

In which I want a pure heart

2009-06-29T21:32:00.004+08:00

[mood| annoyed]
[music| Whispering - Solo Piano Radio Station]

On an average day, my desk looks like this.

Still learning on the desk-management skills! Getting there soon!

Was studying this verse during CG last week:

He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend.
Proverbs 22:11

The question which came up was "What is a pure heart?"

Which got me thinking, We decided in the end, that if we have a pure heart, the rest of the other things will flow from there: the gracious speech, and many friends, because we become the person other people want to be around.

But the thing is, what is a pure heart? It doesn't mean that you're naive or innocent, but a heart which is big enough to show Jesus's love to all people. I honestly believe that all humans don't have pure hearts. It's human nature, the way we are. We concluded that purification of our hearts is not an instant process, it's something that requires constant refinement, and a close walk with Jesus.

I want a heart like that, a pure one. But there are times when I don't feel so pure hearted. There are times when I get so annoyed, so sarcastic, so fake, it's a wonder why my friends are still friends with me. At times, I just feel so cynical and jaded, I just want to give things up and walk away. I don't feel like loving anyone. Gracious speech does not become me during those times.

Have been praying that my heart will be refined, slowly, but surely. Also have been praying for God to grant me wisdom, when to raise my barriers, and when to lower them. I want a heart big enough for God's love to shine through to other people. I don't want to continue being the way I am. The thing is, am I sensitive enough to listen to God's voice?

In which are songs for a new world

2009-06-24T19:08:00.004+08:00

[mood| hopeful]
[music| Opening - Songs for a New World ]

It's about one moment
That moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment
The things that you're sure of slip from your hand
And you've got one second
To try to be clear, to try to stand tall
But nothing's the same
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
In some completely different land
And you thought you knew
But you didn't have a clue
That the surface sometimes cracks
To reveal the tracks
To a new world

In which I long to stay the same to me

2009-06-22T09:04:00.004+08:00

[mood| apathetic]

Is it possible to be a lawyer, and at the same time be honest, hold fast to your principles, hold on to your ideals and be generally a good person, and to not 'loose your soul' (as people say) in the process? Because there are times when I feel so young and green in comparison to my older, wiser and more cynical peers.

(In a way I am.)

In which I cannot sleep, and I talk about police corruption.

2009-06-09T04:30:00.004+08:00

[mood| awake]
[music| Desolation Row - My Chemical Romance]

Got home at 9.30 last night, had dinner, showered, and promptly went to bed. Only to be plagued with fitful dreams that I was supposed to be revising a legal opinion someone called Renuka wanted me to send back by today, and for some reason, I could not scroll down, and kept reading the same line over and over again. Something about company directorships. And it was due tomorrow. Bolted up at 3am, thinking of excuses to hand in my work later.

Nope, not overworked. Not even a little bit. Not at all.

I've wanted to talk about corruption in Malaysia for some time already. Everyday the newspaper, the alternative media, the people talk about corruption. I've heard accounts of it from other people, it seemed that corruption happened only by hearsay, and to other people. I never thought that I would experience it firsthand. But I did, a week ago, and somehow, the anger and disappointment does not fade.

I wish I could rant and rave about it, but there are some things which are bound by confidentiality, but what I can say is this: the police are supposed to protect the people. But what they do is that they only protect the people who can afford to pay. Those who cannot are victimized instead.

This is not a situation where there are a few bad apples spoiling the barrel, it's a situation, where there is a rot, a decay in the system, and it's eating the fruit inside out. It's an infection festering in a wound. We don't need more policies to improve the system. What we need is to cauterize the wound, to cut out the rotten part of the system.

Perhaps it was too idealistic of me to think that justice will always prevail. But honestly, with the way things are now, it's difficult to see any improvements and changes in this country. The only hope I have right now, is in God's hands, and for His justice to come one day.

After all, the mills of God grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine.

EDIT: Thank you Inspector H for proving me wrong, and that there are good policemen around. Thank you for personally coming to get more information. Thank you for wanting to investigate futher. Thank you for protecting the people!

In which watching too much tv cannot be a good thing...

2009-05-30T20:52:00.001+08:00

[mood| scared]
[music| Somebody's World - Rie Fu]

Doing a Criminal Minds season 4 marathon when I'm home alone for the weekend?
NOT A GOOD IDEA

It seems that all the crimes are committed in the house of the victims when she's home alone. It usually involves lots of blood due to blunt force trauma and the team killing the unsub.

NOT A GOOD IDEA AT ALL!!!

EDIT (2055): My neighbor is doing a mega karaoke session, bawling top hits for all the street to hear. It adds on to the creepy factor....

In which I will be so much more

2009-05-30T14:33:00.004+08:00

[mood| hopeful]
[music| Glasgow Love Theme - Craig Armstrong]

Found this on LJSecret.

I believe it will happen for me. Someday soon.

In which features a new type of food!

2009-05-24T16:51:00.005+08:00

[mood| hot]
[music| New Divide - Linkin Park]

This needs to be blogged about, because it is that awesome.

On the way to Gopeng last weekend, we stopped for lunch in a small town in Perak before heading to the camp site. Special thanks to Eng Chin and his family for recommending this to us!

Ladies and Gents, let me introduce the Famous 'Roti Ayam' (Chicken Bread?) from Jia Restaurant in Kampar.

It starts out looking like a normal loaf of bread. A little on the large side, you wonder why do they need to serve it on a platter. After that, you have to cut the bread open with a spoon. Like this:

By now, you're wondering what's the big deal. It's just bread on a dish. But wait! There seems to be something inside!

The waiter unwraps the package with a spoon and a paid of tongs...

And pulls the paper wrapping out....

And after unwrapping you find there's a delicious chicken curry inside of the bread!

You eat it by taking the pieces of bread which you've cut and dipping it into the curry. This is usually accompanied with rice, which is great to eat curry with. The curry is actually cooked, and then wrapped up in paper, before the package is wrapped up in dough and left to rise, before it is baked once more. My only complaint is that that there was not enough bread to go around with the curry, but still, you don't find the time to complain when you're stuffing your face with bread and curry. The bread is warm and fresh, whilst the curry is not too spicy, but enough to give it it's 'kick'.

It's like a Christmas present, where there are two presents in one package. Neat or what?

In which I try to be evasive

2009-05-19T18:14:00.002+08:00

[mood| lazy]
[music| Between - Vienna Teng]

On Days Like These...

....when the sky is cloudy, after your afternoon cup of coffee, you sit down and face your PC, with your back to the window, and with piles and piles of paperwork scattered all over the place, like some bizarre landscape of hills and steps, colored blue, white, pink..

On days like these, you will find your mind drifting, to something, anything! The streets of Camden. The way the beach smells (of salty wood and mineral rich wind and sea). Or how pretty the sound of a page turning (the neat, sharp slice of sound in an otherwise empty room). On days like this you'd dream about obsidian eyes flecked with gold, about little boy Lotharios and perhaps, even remember the way a stolen kiss tastes, under the smoky skies of Budapest.

You remember people. People who know you skin deep and inside out. Recluses and Adventurers and Lovers and Comrades. Memories of their faces, their voices, their little quirks and fears will flit though your mind, almost like an old movie, but one where the pictures aren't constant, where the pictures change constantly and turn from color to sepia in time. People who you also never knew, but whom you touched hands with under the Hagia Sophia, but their smiles at any form of humanly contact you remember, as it blazes brightly in the recesses of your mind.

(You will try to imagine the People who you've yet to meet. On the streets of Oregon. Along the Sydney Harbor. Amongst the runs of Manchu Picchu. Their faces are blurred, their hair hazes of gold or bronze or jet, their skin caramel or pale.)

Whilst thinking, your fingers scribble phrases, scraps and snippets of poetry or song. You idly start tracing the words of Doone; with a ballpoint; on the palm of your hand: Teach me to hear mermaids singing, Or to keep off envy's stinging, And find, What wind, Serves to advance an honest mind. Your inky fingers do not bother you the way it usually does.

And on days like these, your mind wanders, and you long for things. For the rain to come, and to curl up with a good book on the sofa. Or for True Heroes and noble acts of knights. To hear your name called by a friend or the sun on your face. Or to leave the confines of the familiar and wander the streets of Kuala Lumpur with no aim, and yet to be truly satisfied with the world at your feet, knowing that you could have everything you ever wanted. You dream of the things to come, the events that will take place, and the safety you can find in the ivory tower of your imagination.

And whilst you dream, you are like a conch shell, wrapped in cotton wool and silk fragments. Safe, secured, isolated from the world. Not even the sound of rain beating steadily against your window can break you out of your reverie. You dream safely until reality creeps in.

A/N: You also forget about the latest file which your supervisor has given you and you will also give yourself a mental kicking for allowing yourself to procrastinate on it!! Especially when it's due tomorrow.

A/N2: Props if you can guess which poem of Doone that line is from. =)

A/N3: Mel! Stop Procrastinating!!!!!!!

In which is full of Smouldering

2009-05-08T11:13:00.001+08:00

[mood| ditzy]
[music|Mistress Mable - The Fratellis ]

So yesterday, I watched North and South on DVD as a general pick-me-up from the Crap Predominating the Country (which I will write about when I am less angry, and am able to look at the whole thing objectively). And I encountered Richard Armitage, as brooding, byronic John Thornton. With a pronounced Northern accent.

I think I have just been given a whole new meaning to 'Smouldering'

*smoulder*

*smouuulderr*

*smoulderrrrrrrrrr*
Mel: *melts*

Someone tell me why do men not wear cravats anymore? Why? WHY???

In which my mouse is missing

2009-04-23T08:55:00.001+08:00

[mood| confused]
[music| Canal Life - David Byrne]

Came in today to my room and turned on the PC, logged into the internet and everything.

Only to realize that my mouse was missing.

Am purely functioning on the keyboard right now.

Who took my mouse?!?

EDIT: Managed to call the IT department, and one of them came up with a brand new mouse for my PC. Everything's sorted out now.

In which I am Jonathan to your David

2009-04-22T20:16:00.002+08:00

[mood| mellow]
[music| Jonathan David - Belle and Sebastian]

I cannot stop listening to this song right now. There's something soothing about listening to chromatic scales played over and over again. Despite the video being horribly hippie.

There's still room in my wooden horse for two
I was Jonathan to your David
You're still King

In which is filled with food (Part Second)

2009-04-22T19:42:00.003+08:00

[mood| pleased]
[music| You and I - Chess]

So, moving on from one impromptu food escapade to another.

We knew that we wanted to go out on Saturday night. It just took us most of Friday night to decide where to go. We finally decided to drive around Kota Damansara, and found Okuchii!

(Places like these makes me glad that I'm working, and can afford to eat out more often.)

unagi rice with natto (fermented soya bean). Check out the RAW EGG in the middle of the natto!

Tamago Sushi

Soft Shell Crab

Tempura Set.

Chicken Don set

In which is filled with food (Part First)

2009-04-22T18:47:00.005+08:00

[mood| chipper]
[music| White Shadows - Coldplay]

The only accurate word I can use describe last week was this:

FOOD-TASTIC

For obvious reasons of course.

Found a secret restaurant with no advertisements, no special lunch promotions, no name, and no one except a select few know of. Smack in the middle of town. Just a mere 10 minutes walk away from my office.

Where they:

Serve ice lemon tea you have to mix yourself.

the Tea, the Lemon Juice and the Sugar

The meal hasn't even started yet, and I've already spazzed out. Drank the tea before realizing that I had to mix in the lemon and sugar first. Like in Carl's Jr. only posher.

Ice Lemon tea = 1; Mel = 0

2. Bake pizzas with HUGE PIECES OF CAPSICUM ON IT.

There are things in life which, as adventurous as I am, will not do. Being a surrogate mother. Marrying a goat. Eating green capsicums on pizza. Don't be fooled by the fact that it looks like an open sandwich. It's really, really good. After you pick off all the capsicums, that is. Practically inhaled the pizza in less than 15 minutes. It was GOOD.

3. Do a decent looking unagi rice set

This will be one of the things I will be trying when I come here again. I just wonder if I can get them to sprinkle seaweed on top of the rice instead of fried garlic.

4. Have a birds eye view of the city.

Imagine eating whilst looking over this. At night. As they say, the view from the top always looks good.

5. Are open on weekdays only.

So what are you waiting for? Head over to the 24th Floor on Menara Maxis today. Don't forget to get a pass at the security counter before heading up!

In which ...

2009-04-20T09:14:00.004+08:00

[mood| surprised]
[music| Beautiful Wreck - Shawn Mullins]

To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

In which is how God works

2009-04-13T09:14:00.000+08:00

[mood| bouncy]
[music|Strange and Beautiful (I put a Spell on you) - Aqualung ]

Taken from Weili, who took this from Joel. I think this is beautiful. Happy Easter again everyone.

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, 'Someday I hope to be a great treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with an intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty.'

Then the second tree said, 'Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take Kings and Queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. People will feel safe in me because of the strength of my Hull.'

Finally the third tree said, 'I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest Tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill, look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me.'

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees.

When one came to the first tree he said, 'This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter, and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest.

At the second tree the woodsman said, 'This looks like a strong tree. I will be able to sell it to the shipyard...' The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the men said,' I don't need anything special from my tree, I'll take this one,' and he cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay.. This was not at all what he had prayed for. The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying Kings had come to an end.

The third tree was cut into large pieces, and left alone in the dark.
The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams.

Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time. Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep.. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and he stood and said 'Peace' and the storm stopped. At this time,the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat..

Finally, someone came and got the third tree.
It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it.

When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, God will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined.

We don't always know what God's plans are for us.. We just know that His Ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best..

In which it is Easter

2009-04-12T20:59:00.004+08:00

[mood| grateful]
[music| How Deep the Father's Love for us - Sarah Sadler]

How Deep the Father's Love for us

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I knoww that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Stuart Townend

In which I have to be still.

2009-04-05T19:53:00.005+08:00

[mood| restless]
[music| A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie]

These days, I frequently find myself waiting impatiently for something. It doesn't come.

And there are fits of restlessness, where I feel there's an itch deep in my soul, which tells me that there is so much more to come, and life is so much more than just this. Something screams in me, something revolts at the idea of just standing still, in this stagnancy, the humdrum routine, and just to run, and run and run and not look back and do something (what?).

(It's the thought of stagnancy and mediocrity that wakes at 3am, scares me the most.)

Lately, my thoughts whir around my head, incessantly, buzzing, humming telling me that I am still young, and healthy and filled with so much potential and there are things which need doing and are waiting for me to achieve them. There are so many places I could go, so many things I could do and so many people to meet, I want to scream with frustration and impatience because I want those things now, rather than to wait for them.

I see things happening in other people's lives, and I envy them for it. And I wish, and wish, and wish that it happened to me also. Is it too much to ask if it happened to me now, instead of 5, 10, 15 years later? Or what if it never happened?

(I apologize. I've never been good at waiting.)

Especially not for what will be happening. I need some kind of clue, some form of validation that it will happen, and soon, despite the rush of this crazy routine, or the hasty sips of coffee and these damn tears that prickle, that this is not all Life has to offer. And I have to know if it's waiting me around the corner, or am I just chasing something invisible and elusive, like the wind?

I wish I knew.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

In which I wish I could go to court

2009-03-31T08:54:00.000+08:00

[mood| disappointed]
[music| Don't Stop Me Now - Queen]

I was supposed to go to the Magistrates court today to present a matter for one of the lawyers but I couldn't go because I have not gotten my magistrate locus yet.

I really, really wanted to go.

=(

I guess only law students will understand this.

In which is what we did during Earth Hour

2009-03-30T22:24:00.006+08:00

[mood| content]
[music| Braille - Regina Spektor]

So earth hour came and went. Couldn't help feeling skeptical/cynical about what it actually achieved. Don't get me started on how it actually raise awareness, and the importance of voting against global warming, and how this can save earth. As far as I was concerned, it doesn't. It's just a publicity stunt and a cover for greater marketing gimmicks.

Like discounted coffee at Starbucks.

Seriously, just give us coffee and some cake, and we're happy people.

XA is happy.

Kevin was happy.

So was Cindy. And she didn't even eat anything other than a mouthful of cake! ^_^

In conjunction with earth hour, Starbucks was giving a discount on all food and drinks bought by customers from 8.30-9.30. Which is a really good marketing gimmick, because people think they're supporting the environment and all by buying a drink and sitting around in the dark to drink it. Don't look at me, I'm just in it for the coffee.

Will and his muffin.

It was initially a bit disappointing, as it was still quite bright at Starbucks. (We were sitting opposite, staring at Nandos as they started switching off the lights and handing out tealights).
Maybe it was because we were sitting underneath the lights, and I had brought a little candle along, which was rendered redundant because it was still quite bright.

it was still quite bright in Starbucks

But the Coffee. Oh, the coffee.

zombie with a caramel machiatto

All in all? An hour well spent.

In which I am feeling domestic

2009-03-21T15:22:00.002+08:00

[mood| domestic]
[music|Holiday - Weezer ]

Other than being drowsy from cold medication, I have a sudden and irrational craving to bake. Apple cake with toffee crust (to be fair, it looks easy enough). Either that or some sort of savory bread. With oregano and stuff. I'm not good at cooking or anything, but at times I get the sudden urge to just bake.

My random moments of domesticity scares me sometimes.

In which concerns a bee killer

2009-03-21T15:14:00.006+08:00

[mood| crazy]
[music| Lover's Concerto]

Wanted to blog about this for a while, but just was too lazy to transfer the files from my mobile. Anyway. This happened some time back AND IS A TRUE STORY!

My colleague Y bought some really cute bee shaped chocolates back from her holiday, and I LOVE little bee shaped things. After eating the chocolates, I took the wrapper and stuffed it back out again, to give it it's bee shape again.

It kinda looked like this.

look at it's happy little bee face! Look how cute it is!

I also have a Plant called Arthur on my desk at work (don't ask me why I name my plants, I just do it ok. Are you questioning my sanity?!?) so in an attempt to make my desk look a bit more cheery, I put the Bee on Arthur the Plant. It looked like this.

So far all well and good. The bee looked nice on Arthur the Plant. This happy state continued for a week or so.

Until I came to work on Monday after the long weekend, and this is what I found!

Someone had crushed my bee! It now looks like this:

crushed bee. =(

And had to be thrown away into the trash.

And I have no more bee now. =(

Anyway, this is a very random post. Probably caused by too much medication. Am still recovering from a flu.

In which I feel.....

2009-03-13T11:29:00.001+08:00

[mood| embarrassed]
[music| Jika Kau Bercinta Lagi – Flop Poppy]

Adakalanya saya berasa teramat bodoh.

Seperti sekarang.

In which are full of Cat

2009-03-07T22:51:00.002+08:00

[mood| enthralled]
[music| Girl of the Year - FM Static]

I got home from dinner an hour ago, to find a cat in the living room.

It was not my cat.

And I had no idea how it got into the house in the first place.

But I didn't mind because it was really sweet. It was this little ginger cat with huge eyes, which wanted to play. I called a friend and found out what cats ate/what to do with it/etc (while yelling at Cat not to scratch the car tires. It ate a bit of bread and drank water.

After a preliminary check, I found that Cat was a girl. She chased after string, and was quite playful, chasing her tail, and she purred when scratched. I could see that Cat was prepared to stay for some time, making herself comfortable on my stairs. Unfortunately I knew this meant I had to make her leave, before my parents came back home and freaked out.

(Parents, if you're reading this, don't please don't flip. I managed to handle it!)

So my sister found out that Cat had come into the house through the open window. I had to carry her up and let her her out through the window once more. She stared a bit and then ran off back home. I think she belonged to my neighbor.

Cat was really adorable. I suspect that she was the one who had killed the rat and left it on our doormat on Tuesday. When I get my own place, I want to get a cat exactly like that.

=)

In which is desiderata

2009-03-03T22:59:00.003+08:00

[mood| peaceful]
[music| Your Winter - Sister Hazel]

I want this to be my personal statement for the future. This applies to everyone.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the the world is full of trickery.
But let not this blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all it's sham drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

NB: Desiderata pl. of desideratum (1652), from L., lit. "something for which desire is felt," from stem of desiderare "to long for"

In which I am encouraged.

2009-03-03T22:34:00.003+08:00

[mood| determined]
[music| Broadway - Goo Goo Dolls]

My last post should have been titled "In which Mel should never ever be allowed to blog when she's tired".

Because your defences are lowered when you're tired, and it leaves you vulnerable, and you may end up saying things which seem so bleak at that time of the night, but will look much better
when you wake up in the morning.

Which is what happened to me. I felt really down after a day at work, and at that point of time, I was suddenly overwhelmed by my insecurities. I guess it's normal to feel insecure and scared over things, and it was just one of those moments.

I took a good look at my attitude the next day, and I knew that I didn't want to wallow in my own insecurities and self pity, because I know that it won't help. I also was reminded again when I was doing my quiet time, the following verse;

³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

Matthew 6:30-32

I find it a bit scary-beautiful how God will reveal Himself to us, especially when we're feeling at our worst! All we need to do sometimes is just to just stop and listen to His voice.

So whatever Life has in store for me, bring it on!

I can't hardly wait!

In which I may be making a mountain out of a molehill, but nevertheless the molehill is still there.

2009-03-01T23:23:00.005+08:00

[mood| insecure]

Not a secret: I'm almost halfway though my 9 months of chambering. What will happen after this is I will be a qualified Advocate and Solicitor of the Malaysian Courts.

Secret: I for the life of me, cannot imagine myself as a lawyer. I sometimes feel that all my qualifications are just a joke and I got though this by pure blind luck, and I'm in constant fear that someone will point me out as a fake.

And this will happen anytime now.

In which are initial plans

2009-02-12T17:49:00.001+08:00

[mood| impressed]
[music|Walking on Sunshine - Who Sang this? Let me know please! ]

Usually a good part of my Valentine’s day is spent watching TV (which was what I wanted to do at first. There’s a whole season of David Tennant waiting to be rewatched)…

So, for the first time in my life I actually have made plans for Valentines Day. Ironclad plans, which I don’t want to back out from.

Stay tuned to find out more…..

In which is a quick update

2009-02-10T09:00:00.002+08:00

[mood| naughty]
[music| Chasing Pavements - Adele]

Has it been February already? How time flies!

Has been an interesting month so far, most of the happenings pleasant. Had multiple birthday cakes, got addicted to tinted moisturizer, donated blood, collected ang pows (lean offerings this year!) and met my 3 nieces. I have nieces! I'm an aunt!!!

Ok, back to work.

In which is a quick reflection and thanks.

2009-01-22T09:36:00.003+08:00

[mood| grateful]
[music| Violet Hill - Coldplay]

A year ago today, I was involved in a car accident. Not many people knew about it, and I didn’t talk about it. I thought no one cared.

Today, I can look back at last year, and smile, in the knowledge that I’m loved, I’ve come a long way, and God has blessed me with much more than I could ever dream of.

To all my friends who made this so special, I just want to say Thank You. Thank you so much for remembering me, for all the effort of planning parties, the cakes, the cards and presents and even the impromptu guitar singing, which warmed my heart even though everyone was staring.

Thank you all so much.

Melissa

In which is a sign that I am deeply accomplished.

2009-01-15T20:54:00.005+08:00

[mood| accomplished]
[music| I Can See for Miles - The Who]

Yesterday and today, I had to carry this around with me:

I brought this baby from the office, through the LRT at evening Rush Hour, to the heart of KL in the morning rush hour, AND took a bus with this to get to court.

If this is not a sign of accomplishment, I don't know what is.

(This is just to prove that the bag was big enough for me to sit on)

Brief absence from blog is not a sign that I'm swamped/consumed with work, but rather more of the fact that I'm complying with the 3 cardinal rules of blogging:

Don't blog about your Family
Don't blog about your Relationships
Don't EVER, EVER blog about your work.

Most things that have happened are work related, hence the self-imposed censor. But generally, things have been really positive for me, and I enjoy what I do.

2009 has been a pretty contemplative year so far. Have committed myself to a lot of new things, things that I would not have done when I much younger. 2008 was a year of extreme mood swings, total ups and downs, but nevertheless, I am so absolutely grateful that 2008 happened the way it did.

What's in store for 2009 is pretty bleak, but! But! I somehow get this welling of hope, that something good is waiting for us all. I'm sure that there are so many blessings waiting for us through the forthcoming adversity, it's just that we have to look.

And though this is 15 days too late, Happy 2009 everyone!